Common Mistakes when Communicating

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

When we are stressed, overwhelmed, or not in a good space to have possibly a serious conversation with our spouse we can make many mistakes.  Here are a few and how to repair them. 

First, when stressed we can lose control of our tone which might send a negative message that could offend our spouse. Our tone is important, we have all heard it's not what we say but how we say it. Secondly, our listening skills can deteriorate. Good communication is not just about talking but also about listening...not only to our partner but to what is going on within us. When we are stressed we can miss important cues that we need to pay attention to like take some time to calm down first. Third, our capacity for empathy diminishes. Empathy is one of 3 things that we need to help give our partner a felt sense we get what they are going through. The 3 things that are so important are Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Emotional Engagement or Empathy (ARE). Can I come to you when I am in distress, will you respond to me, and will you have empathy for what I am going through? Healthy couples do these 3 things that help them feel secure with each other. Lastly, we can jump to conclusions. A bad mood can affect how we interpret the words and actions of our partner. When your mind feels cluttered and overstimulated, instead of listening and seeing the whole picture, you might jump to conclusions and make assumptions or judgments about your spouse’s intentions which will result in conflict. 

How do you avoid these mistakes? When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it’s normal to feel like you’re not at your best.  Realistically, no one is perfect. We’re going to get caught up in emotion from time to time and our communication skills might suffer as a result. Having the self-awareness to know when that is happening and being able to communicate that to your spouse can often go a long way in preventing the interaction from taking a negative turn. That might sound like, “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m feeling very stressed about work and I'm not in a great mindset to talk. Let me calm down for a few minutes and I’ll come find you to talk.” This not only lets your partner know that you’re not angry with them, but it also allows them to support you – especially if you can tell them what you need, whether it’s a hug or some alone time. Ruptures happen in a nanosecond and it is the repair of them that makes a difference. 

Good, Giving, Game (GGG)

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

GGG is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to represent the qualities that he thinks make a good sexual partner. GGG stands for "good, giving, and game." Think "good in bed," "giving of equal time and equal pleasure," and "game for anything—within reason." We think Dan Savage may be right—there are benefits to being GGG. The motivation to meet a partner’s sexual needs are not only good for the partner but can be good for us and can help keep the spark alive in long-term relationships. If you struggle in this area, we can help.

How to balance raising children and keeping your marriage alive

By Marlee Cornue, M.S., Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, APCC# 9000, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (mcornue@sdicouples.com)

Marriages go through many different stages. When you say “I do” it's impossible to know what the future holds for your new family, and when couples become parents they often find new marital challenges. Children require a great deal of their parents' emotional and physical energy. If you find yourself having less energy for yourself and your partner, here are some ways to be intentional about your marriage that don’t require more than you can give. 

1- Make time to have fun- Be intentional about putting phones away and tell your spouse something funny that happened to you that day. Try and be playful together, it resets your brain to be in a better space. 

2- Tell your partner what you appreciate about them- Words go a long way, especially when you're overextended. Make it a point to notice something your spouse is doing well everyday and tell them. 

3- Touch your partner- Hugs and kisses when you come home from work can help to reconnect you after a long day. Be mindful of coming in the door and only hugging your children or going right to your to do list. Affection is key to a healthy marriage. 

4- Notice that special thing you do that makes your partner happy- Reflect on what's going well in your marriage and do more of that! Trust your instincts as you know yourself better than anyone else. 

And finally, seek help if you feel like you would benefit from it. I so wish that wedding registries came with a counseling fund option, because getting in a good cycle and understanding your partner and yourself from the beginning is the best thing you can do for your marriage. What better gift to give a family than two healthy, happy communicating adults? 

Marriage and Money

By Marc Sherman, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #116508, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (msherman@sdicouples.com)

Money is one of the largest issues in a marriage. Couples will constantly argue over money and the household finances. There is usually a spender and one who is the saver in the relationship. In most marriages, one spouse often makes more money than the other. Often times there is only one breadwinner and the other spouse is the homemaker, cannot work due to a disability or tends to the children and/or extended family members.

The key to having a successful marriage with money is having successful communication around money. Couples must have the ability to be able to talk and clearly communicate thoughts, ideas and habits around money. Couples must be aligned on how the money will be spent, invested, saved, divvied out, etc. The money mindset in a marriage should be that it is “our’ money not “my” money. When a couple can realize and understand that whatever money comes into the household is for the benefit of the family is when growth happens. There should never be “my money” or “your money” in the context of a healthy, successful relationship.

Some couples have one account and others have a “his” account, a “her” account and a “joint” account. Every couple has different ways of handling money and that is okay. It is the clear, thoughtful and respectful communication around money which leads to a peaceful existence among couples. Setting clear boundaries and expectations around finances is extremely important when deciding on those large purchases and vacations as well as everyday expenses. When it comes to finances within a marriage everything should be discussed no matter how large or small the amount to ensure long-lasting harmony, love and partnership.

Do you have a Love Map in your relationship?

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

According to John Gottman’s research, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. We call this having a richly detailed Love Map. A Love Map is simply knowing all the important, and even not so important, information about your partner’s life. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. Having a Love Map and all the information you learn about your partner builds a richness between you and thus intimacy.

In addition to the closeness Love Maps build, couples who have detailed Maps about their partner’s world are usually better prepared to deal with life stressors and the conflict they face. Gottman states, “Partners who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other are feeling and thinking aren’t as thrown off course by changes and stress in each other’s lives. But if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your relationship to lose its way when your lives shift with the challenges and stressors that come to you over time.” Without being intimately familiar with your partner, stress and conflict can polarize you where you fall into a negative dance that disconnects you vs. holds you together. This is why Love Maps are foundational to a good relationship.

How do you build Love Maps? Learn about your spouse, ask questions, and understand what you hear. The questions can be so simple but can provide great insight. For example, my husband and I lived in Northern Italy for 4 years. After moving back to the U.S. we moved to San Diego and attended a marital group at our local church. One of the questions from Gottman’s Love Maps was, “What is your favorite cake?” Because we had lived in Italy and loved the cuisine, my husband assumed it would be something extravagant we had eaten abroad. His guess was wrong as it was simply a cake from Costco! My response was surprising but a very fun discovery for both of us. Love Maps are easy - to get you started just answer the following questions, it will not only be fun but actually build some intimacy while you are at it.

Love Map Exercise Questions:

• Name my two closest friends.

• What was I wearing when we first met?

• Name one of my hobbies.

• What stresses am I facing right now?

• Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.

• What is my fondest unrealized dream?

• What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?

• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

• What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

• What is my favorite getaway place?

• What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

• What are some of my favorite ways to work out?

• Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”

• What would I consider my ideal job?

• What medical problems do I worry about?

• What was my most embarrassing moment?

• Name one of my favorite novels/movies.

• What is my favorite restaurant?

Being Intentional in Your Marriage

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

What is an intentional marriage? An intentional marriage is one where the spouses are conscious, and deliberately decide to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. The emphasis here is on building into their relationship intentional rituals for connection. Think of it as creating a mindful marriage. If we are not intentional, we can become a couple on automatic pilot - with our crammed schedules, endless tasks always to finish, kids to care for, and ever-present television, media, and smartphones, these things will steer our direction. All of this activity creates less focus on our relationships over time, and therefore less connection, less spark, and less intimacy.

Let’s look at just one distraction, the smartphone. A recent study found that the average iPhone user touches his or her phone 2,617 times a day, whereas millennials are two times that. Software designers are intentionally designing smartphones for distraction and addiction because that is where the money is. (Comer, John Mark. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry (p. 36). The Crown Publishing Group) Surrounded by objects designed for distraction has made being intentional in our marriages even more important.

 I believe being married is like swimming in the ocean. You are either going to be pulled where the current happens to take you, or you are going to swim in the direction you decide to swim. To grow closer over the years, you have to be mindful and intentional, otherwise you may find yourself adrift. Research shows it is not easy to keep a marital connection; it has shown there is a loss of intensity that occurs from daily living over many months and years, even while sleeping beside the same person every night.

After we have children, the current gets swift, more like a riptide. With a new baby, our priority is naturally the care of our child. When we come up for air, our second priority usually is self-care. We tend to trade off childcare so that we can get some individual downtime and we end up borrowing from our marriages, not just for a short but sometimes a long time. I know in my own marriage we would switch caring for our children with working, so our time together began to dwindle greatly. We care about being good parents and because we barely knew what we are doing initially, we placed a priority on developing good parent-child skills and rituals but again, due to lack of time and energy, we can lose our marital rituals.

What are good marital rituals? Rituals are interactions that are "repeated, coordinated, and significant," according to Dr. William Doherty, a relationship expert. Rituals can be something a couple does every day or once a week, month, or year. Rituals carry a positive emotional meaning for both people in the marriage. The emotional significance of the ritual distinguishes a ritual from a routine. Routines are done over and over but don't have much emotional meaning. Rituals are about having a connection. Almost anything can be turned into a ritual of connection if the focus is on the relationship and if it becomes a time for connection.

Doherty divides rituals into 3 categories: “connection, intimacy, and community.” An example of a connection ritual would be saying, "I love you" before leaving in the morning and upon returning home. Another example is going out to a cafe every Saturday morning or exercising together. Intimacy rituals could be patterns a couple develops in their sexual intimacy, or yearly dates for anniversaries or Valentine's Day. Lastly, community rituals are those where a couple participates in giving and receiving support in their larger community like religious activities or joint involvement in a community movement.

One of the standard teachings in our field is that couples need time to talk together every day. A married couple with children, who has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-problem-solving talk every day, is in the top two percent of all married couples. You're not going to have time for personal talk, especially if you have children, unless you ritualize it.  I have even seen couples who don't have children, who still need to arrange a time to talk together.

In conclusion, being intentional regarding your marriage means creating rituals that are shared activities that you do on a repeated basis (from daily to yearly) that have meaning for you as a couple. They can be small or big, splashy or simple, as long as they are a regular part of your couple life and the goal is to help you stay connected and keep your relationship healthy. #BeIntentional #CreatedForConnection

Flaws, Fondness and Admiration

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

After the infatuation stage and you live with your spouse, marriage can be difficult. The Psychologist and Minister that married my husband and I said, “Marriages are like digging ditches, they are hard, dirty, sweaty work!” I was so in love, that advice went into one ear and out the other until the flaws appeared and the hard work hit.

Researcher John Gottman found that people who are happily married believe that deep down their spouse is still a good person regardless of their flaws. Anyone who has ever lived with someone or been married knows we all have flaws. Gottman goes on to say that those who nurture their “fondness and admiration” for each other are better able to accept each other’s flaws. If you don’t have fondness and admiration, then you will not be protected against feeling contempt for your spouse which can, over time, break down the bonds of your relationship.

According to Gottman, even the most troubled marriages are salvageable if there is even a little fondness and admiration between you. “The trick is to uncover the ember of fondness and fan it gently into a flame.”

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being.  We can not escape that it is a core part of our nature to need other people - to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.

“Truth Before Change” (Attachment Part 2)

By: Megan Richardson, AMFT

    The last blog post “More Than Just Skinned Knees…” talked about attachment.  This is actually a pretty foundational theory for the therapists here at SDICF.  It was developed by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist who attended medical school AND did psychiatric training which included seven years of psychoanalysis...so the guy knew his stuff. This development led to some of the following concepts and is a basic tenet of the approach to therapy called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, which is the primary theory that our therapists at SDICF use in their work with couples.

      The theory proposes that we develop our attachment style early in childhood as a result of our relationships with our primary caregivers, whoever those people were for us.  This is often our moms and dads. When primary caregivers are abusive, when they leave, or even when they are just emotionally unavailable, they can leave us with huge wounds, or raw spots, and with an insecure attachment that can play into all of our significant relationships moving forward.  Attachment theory conceptualizes four different styles of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Though some of us might have seasons where we operate out of all four of them, we all typically have a “global attachment style,” meaning one that we mostly operate out of even when we are in more of a resting state, or not during a perceived crisis of some kind.

    So why do we care about attachment and why does it matter what happened with my parents as a kid?

Well, it matters because it could be one of THE MAIN THINGS that affects all of your adult relationships, but particularly your relationship with your significant other. The goal is to have SECURE attachment because of the following…

1. When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support AND better at giving it.

2. When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they will inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.

3. Secure connection to a loved one is empowering.

4. The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be.

So maybe you do a bit more reflection or self-work and are a little freaked out because your attachment style does not fall into the secure category…do not be afraid of this.  The amazingly good news is that our attachment styles CAN CHANGE. Just as humans can inflict some of the most painful wounds, humans can also be the greatest agents of healing in our lives.  For now, it takes courage and boldness to face the truth about our past hurts, raw spots, and wounds. We have to recognize these truths and face their reality before we can take the steps to change, so take heart because there is always hope.  And please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being.  We can not escape that it is a core part of our nature to need other people - to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.

10 Myths about Emotions and Marriage

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

Next time you run into one of these myths, make sure you remember the truth.

#1. “Happy couples don't Argue.” Even in the best relationships couples have arguments.

#2. “Men don't do emotions.” When one feels safe and you know what questions to ask and how to ask them… watch out!

#3.  “Women are more sensitive then men.” Just not true.

#4. “Emotions are irrational.” Oh my goodness they make so much sense, especially in the context of relationships.

#5. “Emotions get in the way of making good decisions.” Dig deep into your primary emotions and they will not get in the way.

#6. “Your thoughts are in charge of your emotions.” The opposite is also actually true.

#7. “Painful feelings are always bad.” If you don't allow yourself to feel the pain, you won't feel your happiness very deeply.

#8. “Experiencing emotion makes it worse.” Actually it can make it better.

#9. “Emotions get in the way of making business decisions.” Again, like #5, only if you are reactive but when you dig deeper into your primary emotions you will find a lot of help making decisions.

#10. “Anger is always bad.” Anger is like the tip of an iceberg and it’s a sure sign that usually under the water is the deeper emotion. It's actually a signal that something deeper is going on.

This excerpt is from an article written by Dr. Brent Bradley and Dr. Jim Furrow (who we have had the opportunity to study EFT from.) If you would like to read the full article you may find it here: http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1760#.Vqp-dqOxBe0.facebook

#SDICF We know how to help you!

Marriage Check-Ins: A Weekly Meeting to Stay Connected and Communicating

Written By Lindsay Wilson, LMFT 

In our home we call it the "Marriage Meeting". It's a sunday afternoon ritual to keep Matt and I connected and up to date on each other's lives during the week. We started this after a series of miscommunications and arguments following phrases like: "You didn't tell me about that", "I didn't know I needed to put that on my calendar", "I thought you knew...", You get the point.

We also found that sometimes the week gets ahold of us and we can easily loose touch with each other in the midst of busy schedules. A "Marriage Check-in" is a way to reconnect at the end of a week as well as get on the same page and connect about the week to come. 

Here is how to instate a "Marriage Check-in": 

1. Pick a day and time

We like having our check-in on sunday afternoons. It gives us a chance to reflect on the past week as well as project forward for the week ahead. Plan to carve out around 30mins. per week.

2. Place a recurrence or reminder on your calendars for the same day and time each week

I don't know about you, but I am lost without my schedule/calendar to keep me on task. When you place a recurrence or reminder on your calendar you are further keeping yourselves accountable to keep the meeting going each week. Soon it will become a habit, however; every new habit takes time to become normalized into a routine. 

3. Create an agenda for your check-ins

What are some areas in your relationship that could use a little more communication? Pick 4 or 5 questions and keep note of them somewhere. Take liberties to get creative with the questions you ask here! These questions should be tailored to your marriage and it's functionality. Every marriage is unique and has different needs.

*Also, if you have children and you don't feel like you can sneak away for half an hour, why not model communication by doing your marriage check-in with them present? You can even include them as part of a "Family Meeting" However, while I believe family meetings are critical, I firmly believe you should carve out time for your marriage check-in separate from the family meeting.  

Here is a list of possible questions to bring up in your meeting: 

Scheduling: 

What does your schedule look like for the week?

What do the kid's schedules look like for the week?

When do you need me to present with you or for you this week? When do you need me to present with you or for you emotionally this week? 

What expectations do you have for the week? Are those expectations clear, communicated, and reasonable? 

When in our schedule can we fit in a date night or connecting time in the week? 

When can we share meals together as a family this week?/ When should we plan on eating separately this week? Thoughts about what meals to plan for and shop for? 

Budgeting & Finances: 

What does our budget look like this week? 

What bills need to be paid this week? 

When do we anticipate spending money this week? Does that fit with our financial goals and budget? 

Intimacy & Connection: 

How has our intimacy been this last week? 

How has our connection been? What would make you feel more connected to each other this week? 

Reflection: 

What are you looking forward to in your week? What are you dreading? 

What was the high and low of the week that just passed? 

What are you feeling grateful for? 

How can I be praying for you this week? 

4. End the session with a opportunity for deeper connection

We often end our meeting by praying together. We pray about our marriage, our family, our upcoming weeks, praises and petitions we may have. Other ideas for deeper connection could be ending with a sign of affection (insert creativity here ;) )

Regardless of what you do or say, make sure that you end these check-ins feeling more connected and seen by each other. 

Anyone else do this or something similar to the marriage check-in? How has it impacted your relationship?