By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

After the infatuation stage and you live with your spouse, marriage can be difficult. The Psychologist and Minister that married my husband and I said, “Marriages are like digging ditches, they are hard, dirty, sweaty work!” I was so in love, that advice went into one ear and out the other until the flaws appeared and the hard work hit.

Researcher John Gottman found that people who are happily married believe that deep down their spouse is still a good person regardless of their flaws. Anyone who has ever lived with someone or been married knows we all have flaws. Gottman goes on to say that those who nurture their “fondness and admiration” for each other are better able to accept each other’s flaws. If you don’t have fondness and admiration, then you will not be protected against feeling contempt for your spouse which can, over time, break down the bonds of your relationship.

According to Gottman, even the most troubled marriages are salvageable if there is even a little fondness and admiration between you. “The trick is to uncover the ember of fondness and fan it gently into a flame.”