By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)
What is an intentional marriage? An intentional marriage is one where the spouses are conscious, and deliberately decide to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. The emphasis here is on building into their relationship intentional rituals for connection. Think of it as creating a mindful marriage. If we are not intentional, we can become a couple on automatic pilot - with our crammed schedules, endless tasks always to finish, kids to care for, and ever-present television, media, and smartphones, these things will steer our direction. All of this activity creates less focus on our relationships over time, and therefore less connection, less spark, and less intimacy.
Let’s look at just one distraction, the smartphone. A recent study found that the average iPhone user touches his or her phone 2,617 times a day, whereas millennials are two times that. Software designers are intentionally designing smartphones for distraction and addiction because that is where the money is. (Comer, John Mark. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry (p. 36). The Crown Publishing Group) Surrounded by objects designed for distraction has made being intentional in our marriages even more important.
I believe being married is like swimming in the ocean. You are either going to be pulled where the current happens to take you, or you are going to swim in the direction you decide to swim. To grow closer over the years, you have to be mindful and intentional, otherwise you may find yourself adrift. Research shows it is not easy to keep a marital connection; it has shown there is a loss of intensity that occurs from daily living over many months and years, even while sleeping beside the same person every night.
After we have children, the current gets swift, more like a riptide. With a new baby, our priority is naturally the care of our child. When we come up for air, our second priority usually is self-care. We tend to trade off childcare so that we can get some individual downtime and we end up borrowing from our marriages, not just for a short but sometimes a long time. I know in my own marriage we would switch caring for our children with working, so our time together began to dwindle greatly. We care about being good parents and because we barely knew what we are doing initially, we placed a priority on developing good parent-child skills and rituals but again, due to lack of time and energy, we can lose our marital rituals.
What are good marital rituals? Rituals are interactions that are "repeated, coordinated, and significant," according to Dr. William Doherty, a relationship expert. Rituals can be something a couple does every day or once a week, month, or year. Rituals carry a positive emotional meaning for both people in the marriage. The emotional significance of the ritual distinguishes a ritual from a routine. Routines are done over and over but don't have much emotional meaning. Rituals are about having a connection. Almost anything can be turned into a ritual of connection if the focus is on the relationship and if it becomes a time for connection.
Doherty divides rituals into 3 categories: “connection, intimacy, and community.” An example of a connection ritual would be saying, "I love you" before leaving in the morning and upon returning home. Another example is going out to a cafe every Saturday morning or exercising together. Intimacy rituals could be patterns a couple develops in their sexual intimacy, or yearly dates for anniversaries or Valentine's Day. Lastly, community rituals are those where a couple participates in giving and receiving support in their larger community like religious activities or joint involvement in a community movement.
One of the standard teachings in our field is that couples need time to talk together every day. A married couple with children, who has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-problem-solving talk every day, is in the top two percent of all married couples. You're not going to have time for personal talk, especially if you have children, unless you ritualize it. I have even seen couples who don't have children, who still need to arrange a time to talk together.
In conclusion, being intentional regarding your marriage means creating rituals that are shared activities that you do on a repeated basis (from daily to yearly) that have meaning for you as a couple. They can be small or big, splashy or simple, as long as they are a regular part of your couple life and the goal is to help you stay connected and keep your relationship healthy. #BeIntentional #CreatedForConnection