3 Myths About Forgiveness that Keep You from Actually Forgiving

By Sharon Meins, MA APCC, Associate Professional Clinical Counselor APCC #10828
Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742

The benefits of forgiveness have been well documented. Most people know and have experienced that anger, pain, and resentment do damage to a sense of well-being and balance in the world, so it follows that to forgive leads to more of what we all want, greater freedom and peace. However, if you have been deeply wounded by another person, you know it is no small feat to go about this process in such a way that you experience healing at a deep level. In this post, I will provide three examples of myths surrounding forgiveness, and why they are damaging. I also hope to provide you with examples of what forgiveness really is so that you can capture what it might be like to experience the relief of truly letting go.

Why is Forgiveness Important?

I want you to know that while the idea of forgiveness is pretty straightforward, it is anything but a straightforward process. And I want to emphasize the word process. As a therapist who is a Christian, I work with many Christian clients who have been harmed by others and who have been pressured by well-meaning people to forgive. This pressure then results in feelings of guilt and shame for lingering anger and pain, which becomes another wave of pain to wade through. My belief is that forgiveness is the result of a process of letting go, and it cannot be rushed or demanded. Forgiveness is both a choice and an experience. Lasting forgiveness that sticks is the result of processing your pain and letting go.

3 Myths About Forgiveness that Keep You from Actually Forgiving

Forgiveness Means Forgetting

If this were true, the only people who could forgive would be amnesiacs and those suffering from late-stage dementia. If you have been deeply hurt, you know the impossibility of forgetting what happened to you. You may have been working on letting go of the pain for years, yet the images of what happened remain. Our bodies have a way of holding onto the memories of painful traumas as a way of saying, “Deal with this! Don’t forget! I need help!” In other words, the reason you have not forgotten but vividly remember is not because you are an unforgiving person, but because your body and mind have felt the effects of being overwhelmed by painful emotions. These won’t go away by pushing them out of your mind, but will only grow over time. Forgiveness means remembering, not necessarily by rehashing the painful details, but by processing the painful emotions with the help of an accepting other.

Forgiveness Means Reconciliation

There are times when the result of forgiveness does mean a relationship can be restored, and perhaps be made even stronger than before the original offense. When that happens, both parties can talk about what happened, recognize the pain of it, and understand that what happened can never and will never happen again. There are other times when you, as an offended party, would be unwise to reconcile with the person who harmed you. These are instances where you can still work through your pain to release it, but you know putting yourself back into a relationship with the person who hurt you would more than likely result in more hurt. If you have been in a relationship where there is a consistent pattern of harm that has been addressed and you have seen little to no effort in repairing the injury, you may be wondering if it is safe for you to remain in that relationship. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation may not be wise.

Forgiveness Means Excusing

While it is true that people often act out as a result of pain, it in no way excuses the behavior. The harm done was real and impactful. When the motivations for a person’s harmful behavior are given defensively or as a way of trying to mitigate the hurt (“If I can just get you to understand me then you will not need me to understand you ”) it almost always lands as an excuse. In an injury repair process, understanding underlying motivations is important, but it doesn’t happen until after the offended party feels seen, heard, and understood in their pain by the offending party. It is at this point that the offended party wants to understand how the injury could have happened so that both parties know it will never happen again. When you feel understood in your deepest pain, your heart begins to feel freer and more curious about what could have led the offending party to act out in the way they did, not as an excuse, but for the sake of making sense of the parts that never made sense before, and for healing.

One of the hardest things in human relationships is being able to restore and repair when things go wrong. This is hard enough with the day-to-day hurts, but when there is a relationship injury it can sometimes feel impossible. When restoration is the goal, forgiveness is a key component that can be achieved through a process that is sometimes painful and varies in length. Facing the very deep hurt you have experienced and processing it with the help of a professional trained in relationships and trauma, you may be able to experience the freedom and peace of forgiveness from deep within.

Please reach out to me to see how I might help you with your process.

Good, Giving, Game (GGG)

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

GGG is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to represent the qualities that he thinks make a good sexual partner. GGG stands for "good, giving, and game." Think "good in bed," "giving of equal time and equal pleasure," and "game for anything—within reason." We think Dan Savage may be right—there are benefits to being GGG. The motivation to meet a partner’s sexual needs are not only good for the partner but can be good for us and can help keep the spark alive in long-term relationships. If you struggle in this area, we can help.

Men! Let Your Partner Influence You

By Marc Sherman, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #116508, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (msherman@sdicouples.com)

Why do we always want to be right in a relationship? Why do we believe that we can handle issues on our own? In a marriage, effective communication is the foundation and a key success indicator. Men, we need to accept and respect our partner’s ideas, influences and contributions. According to relationship expert, John Gottman, “When a husband accepts his wife’s influence, he also strengthens their friendship.”

Of course, in a successful marriage or relationship, both parties have to “want” the best for each other. Both parties must learn to compromise, out-service each other and be willing to listen with love and understanding. Marriage should be viewed as a team and together striving and working towards reaching established common goals and dreams. According to Gottman, when men are open to the influence of their wives, “the women are less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching difficult marriage topics.” The odds of a successful marriage are increased when influence is accepted.

Our goal as men should be to improve our EQ (Emotional Quotient) not IQ when it comes to our partner. Being emotionally intelligent, present and available allows us to be open to our partner’s influence. Our EQ improves when we honor and respect our partner’s and are able to connect with them emotionally. Per Gottman “the emotionally intelligent husband is able to honor his wife and convey his respect for her.” Accepting your partner’s influence does not make you weak or a pushover, it truly only strengthens your marriage and relationship and yields greater success and satisfaction.

Do you have a Love Map in your relationship?

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

According to John Gottman’s research, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. We call this having a richly detailed Love Map. A Love Map is simply knowing all the important, and even not so important, information about your partner’s life. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. Having a Love Map and all the information you learn about your partner builds a richness between you and thus intimacy.

In addition to the closeness Love Maps build, couples who have detailed Maps about their partner’s world are usually better prepared to deal with life stressors and the conflict they face. Gottman states, “Partners who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other are feeling and thinking aren’t as thrown off course by changes and stress in each other’s lives. But if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your relationship to lose its way when your lives shift with the challenges and stressors that come to you over time.” Without being intimately familiar with your partner, stress and conflict can polarize you where you fall into a negative dance that disconnects you vs. holds you together. This is why Love Maps are foundational to a good relationship.

How do you build Love Maps? Learn about your spouse, ask questions, and understand what you hear. The questions can be so simple but can provide great insight. For example, my husband and I lived in Northern Italy for 4 years. After moving back to the U.S. we moved to San Diego and attended a marital group at our local church. One of the questions from Gottman’s Love Maps was, “What is your favorite cake?” Because we had lived in Italy and loved the cuisine, my husband assumed it would be something extravagant we had eaten abroad. His guess was wrong as it was simply a cake from Costco! My response was surprising but a very fun discovery for both of us. Love Maps are easy - to get you started just answer the following questions, it will not only be fun but actually build some intimacy while you are at it.

Love Map Exercise Questions:

• Name my two closest friends.

• What was I wearing when we first met?

• Name one of my hobbies.

• What stresses am I facing right now?

• Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.

• What is my fondest unrealized dream?

• What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?

• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

• What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

• What is my favorite getaway place?

• What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

• What are some of my favorite ways to work out?

• Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”

• What would I consider my ideal job?

• What medical problems do I worry about?

• What was my most embarrassing moment?

• Name one of my favorite novels/movies.

• What is my favorite restaurant?

Being Intentional in Your Marriage

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

What is an intentional marriage? An intentional marriage is one where the spouses are conscious, and deliberately decide to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. The emphasis here is on building into their relationship intentional rituals for connection. Think of it as creating a mindful marriage. If we are not intentional, we can become a couple on automatic pilot - with our crammed schedules, endless tasks always to finish, kids to care for, and ever-present television, media, and smartphones, these things will steer our direction. All of this activity creates less focus on our relationships over time, and therefore less connection, less spark, and less intimacy.

Let’s look at just one distraction, the smartphone. A recent study found that the average iPhone user touches his or her phone 2,617 times a day, whereas millennials are two times that. Software designers are intentionally designing smartphones for distraction and addiction because that is where the money is. (Comer, John Mark. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry (p. 36). The Crown Publishing Group) Surrounded by objects designed for distraction has made being intentional in our marriages even more important.

 I believe being married is like swimming in the ocean. You are either going to be pulled where the current happens to take you, or you are going to swim in the direction you decide to swim. To grow closer over the years, you have to be mindful and intentional, otherwise you may find yourself adrift. Research shows it is not easy to keep a marital connection; it has shown there is a loss of intensity that occurs from daily living over many months and years, even while sleeping beside the same person every night.

After we have children, the current gets swift, more like a riptide. With a new baby, our priority is naturally the care of our child. When we come up for air, our second priority usually is self-care. We tend to trade off childcare so that we can get some individual downtime and we end up borrowing from our marriages, not just for a short but sometimes a long time. I know in my own marriage we would switch caring for our children with working, so our time together began to dwindle greatly. We care about being good parents and because we barely knew what we are doing initially, we placed a priority on developing good parent-child skills and rituals but again, due to lack of time and energy, we can lose our marital rituals.

What are good marital rituals? Rituals are interactions that are "repeated, coordinated, and significant," according to Dr. William Doherty, a relationship expert. Rituals can be something a couple does every day or once a week, month, or year. Rituals carry a positive emotional meaning for both people in the marriage. The emotional significance of the ritual distinguishes a ritual from a routine. Routines are done over and over but don't have much emotional meaning. Rituals are about having a connection. Almost anything can be turned into a ritual of connection if the focus is on the relationship and if it becomes a time for connection.

Doherty divides rituals into 3 categories: “connection, intimacy, and community.” An example of a connection ritual would be saying, "I love you" before leaving in the morning and upon returning home. Another example is going out to a cafe every Saturday morning or exercising together. Intimacy rituals could be patterns a couple develops in their sexual intimacy, or yearly dates for anniversaries or Valentine's Day. Lastly, community rituals are those where a couple participates in giving and receiving support in their larger community like religious activities or joint involvement in a community movement.

One of the standard teachings in our field is that couples need time to talk together every day. A married couple with children, who has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-problem-solving talk every day, is in the top two percent of all married couples. You're not going to have time for personal talk, especially if you have children, unless you ritualize it.  I have even seen couples who don't have children, who still need to arrange a time to talk together.

In conclusion, being intentional regarding your marriage means creating rituals that are shared activities that you do on a repeated basis (from daily to yearly) that have meaning for you as a couple. They can be small or big, splashy or simple, as long as they are a regular part of your couple life and the goal is to help you stay connected and keep your relationship healthy. #BeIntentional #CreatedForConnection

Habits that Connect Couples

By: Bucky Bateman, LMFT

I am.

Let's put the kids down.

Have a light dinner.

Shower.

Maybe not drink so much.

And do that thing I would rather do with you than with anyone else.

Lie in bed and look at our iPhones.

- John Kenney (poet)

This John Kenney poem hopefully gives you a chuckle and illustrates the modern struggle in our marriages.  Remember the days when you were young, in love and you’d rather stay up and talk for hours with the one you love more than anything else. One of the joys of being in a long-term relationship is that we have someone who knows us, supports us and has our back. It’s far too easy to disconnect from each other and find a false sense of connection through our phones, screens and an evening or weekend media binge.  We live in a world longing to connect but forgetting how to do it well. Here are some tips to foster connection in your relationship.

·      Take time to connect in the morning

This might be asking a lot for those who are not naturally morning people. Pausing, looking each other in the eye, or snuggling up close and greeting the other person into the day goes a long way to building a connection.

·      Find a way to let your partner know they’re on your mind

Our days can be burdensome and busy. A positive of having a phone is we can send a quick text, forward an article, video or song that made you think of your spouse.

·      Take a deep breath before you walk in the door

At the other end of the day, an evening routine can often go sour when we come home with the day’s burdens on our shoulders. These can easily get put on our partner when we see them. Take a minute to take inventory of your inner world so you can be present when you arrive.

·      Build a ritual into your day, week, or month that invests in your marriage

It’s challenging to find time if you haven’t planned it. Just like anything else, we build habits by developing rituals and repeating them. Build the habit of caring for your relationship in small ways. Prepare him/her coffee or tea, ask how you can be praying for him or her today, spend a few minutes before bed listening to a podcast and discussing it.

·      Make a Date

With life pressing in, the first thing to suffer is often a regular date night. Making a consistent time, whether it be brunch, coffee, or a nice walk really does nurture your connection. Be active together, go learn something new together and do it regularly.

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being.  We can not escape that it is a core part of our nature to need other people - to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.