Men! Let Your Partner Influence You

By Marc Sherman, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #116508, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (msherman@sdicouples.com)

Why do we always want to be right in a relationship? Why do we believe that we can handle issues on our own? In a marriage, effective communication is the foundation and a key success indicator. Men, we need to accept and respect our partner’s ideas, influences and contributions. According to relationship expert, John Gottman, “When a husband accepts his wife’s influence, he also strengthens their friendship.”

Of course, in a successful marriage or relationship, both parties have to “want” the best for each other. Both parties must learn to compromise, out-service each other and be willing to listen with love and understanding. Marriage should be viewed as a team and together striving and working towards reaching established common goals and dreams. According to Gottman, when men are open to the influence of their wives, “the women are less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching difficult marriage topics.” The odds of a successful marriage are increased when influence is accepted.

Our goal as men should be to improve our EQ (Emotional Quotient) not IQ when it comes to our partner. Being emotionally intelligent, present and available allows us to be open to our partner’s influence. Our EQ improves when we honor and respect our partner’s and are able to connect with them emotionally. Per Gottman “the emotionally intelligent husband is able to honor his wife and convey his respect for her.” Accepting your partner’s influence does not make you weak or a pushover, it truly only strengthens your marriage and relationship and yields greater success and satisfaction.

Do you have a Love Map in your relationship?

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

According to John Gottman’s research, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. We call this having a richly detailed Love Map. A Love Map is simply knowing all the important, and even not so important, information about your partner’s life. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. Having a Love Map and all the information you learn about your partner builds a richness between you and thus intimacy.

In addition to the closeness Love Maps build, couples who have detailed Maps about their partner’s world are usually better prepared to deal with life stressors and the conflict they face. Gottman states, “Partners who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other are feeling and thinking aren’t as thrown off course by changes and stress in each other’s lives. But if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your relationship to lose its way when your lives shift with the challenges and stressors that come to you over time.” Without being intimately familiar with your partner, stress and conflict can polarize you where you fall into a negative dance that disconnects you vs. holds you together. This is why Love Maps are foundational to a good relationship.

How do you build Love Maps? Learn about your spouse, ask questions, and understand what you hear. The questions can be so simple but can provide great insight. For example, my husband and I lived in Northern Italy for 4 years. After moving back to the U.S. we moved to San Diego and attended a marital group at our local church. One of the questions from Gottman’s Love Maps was, “What is your favorite cake?” Because we had lived in Italy and loved the cuisine, my husband assumed it would be something extravagant we had eaten abroad. His guess was wrong as it was simply a cake from Costco! My response was surprising but a very fun discovery for both of us. Love Maps are easy - to get you started just answer the following questions, it will not only be fun but actually build some intimacy while you are at it.

Love Map Exercise Questions:

• Name my two closest friends.

• What was I wearing when we first met?

• Name one of my hobbies.

• What stresses am I facing right now?

• Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.

• What is my fondest unrealized dream?

• What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?

• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

• What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

• What is my favorite getaway place?

• What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

• What are some of my favorite ways to work out?

• Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”

• What would I consider my ideal job?

• What medical problems do I worry about?

• What was my most embarrassing moment?

• Name one of my favorite novels/movies.

• What is my favorite restaurant?

Your first time in therapy? Here’s what you can expect.

By Courtney Grove, MA, Associate MFT (cgrove@sdicouples.com)

You’ve done the hard work of finding, researching, and maybe interviewing therapists to find the best fit for you or your relationship. What happens now?

At the beginning of the first session, the therapist will start by reviewing the “informed consent form.” We want you to understand the therapy process and this will cover the costs, cancellation policies, confidentiality, and other information to ensure that you know what to expect as you begin your counseling sessions. To save time, we will email our forms to you so you may complete them ahead of your first session. The forms will then be sent back to your therapist who will have time to review your information so they may come to your first session ready and prepared to help you. 

 After this, the therapist may ask a variation of the question, “What is happening and why now?” We are trying to understand what brought you to therapy, and what made you choose to come at this particular point in time. We will also ask questions about your current life situation and if applicable, your relationships. This information helps the therapist to assess your needs, both to ensure that they will be a good fit for you and to better understand who you are and what you need. Other questions you can expect us to ask are your personal history, the family you grew up in, and who you were close to when you were growing up.  The questions we ask play an important role in who you are and how you interact with the people in your adult life. Finally, we want to hear what your goals are for your therapy, and what you may have tried in the past to meet your goals. We care about you and your ultimate healing and success thus your therapist is always open to questions you might have at any given point in your therapy but especially at the beginning. 

Success in therapy is mainly based on your participation, willingness, and honesty. If for whatever reason you’re afraid that you won’t be able to be clear, it can help to write down what you’re struggling with prior to your sessions. Please know that the first session won’t bring automatic healing. Therapy is a process, and not a quick fix, although we do try to work as quickly as possible to help you resolve your issues.  The process of therapy requires vulnerability, trust, honesty, and consistency. Therapy may require coming back even when it hurts, or even when you start to feel a little better.  

 We look forward to meeting you and starting the process of working together to create the life that you’re happy to be living. It starts with your brave decision to reach out! At SDICF, we know how to help. 

Being Intentional in Your Marriage

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

What is an intentional marriage? An intentional marriage is one where the spouses are conscious, and deliberately decide to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. The emphasis here is on building into their relationship intentional rituals for connection. Think of it as creating a mindful marriage. If we are not intentional, we can become a couple on automatic pilot - with our crammed schedules, endless tasks always to finish, kids to care for, and ever-present television, media, and smartphones, these things will steer our direction. All of this activity creates less focus on our relationships over time, and therefore less connection, less spark, and less intimacy.

Let’s look at just one distraction, the smartphone. A recent study found that the average iPhone user touches his or her phone 2,617 times a day, whereas millennials are two times that. Software designers are intentionally designing smartphones for distraction and addiction because that is where the money is. (Comer, John Mark. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry (p. 36). The Crown Publishing Group) Surrounded by objects designed for distraction has made being intentional in our marriages even more important.

 I believe being married is like swimming in the ocean. You are either going to be pulled where the current happens to take you, or you are going to swim in the direction you decide to swim. To grow closer over the years, you have to be mindful and intentional, otherwise you may find yourself adrift. Research shows it is not easy to keep a marital connection; it has shown there is a loss of intensity that occurs from daily living over many months and years, even while sleeping beside the same person every night.

After we have children, the current gets swift, more like a riptide. With a new baby, our priority is naturally the care of our child. When we come up for air, our second priority usually is self-care. We tend to trade off childcare so that we can get some individual downtime and we end up borrowing from our marriages, not just for a short but sometimes a long time. I know in my own marriage we would switch caring for our children with working, so our time together began to dwindle greatly. We care about being good parents and because we barely knew what we are doing initially, we placed a priority on developing good parent-child skills and rituals but again, due to lack of time and energy, we can lose our marital rituals.

What are good marital rituals? Rituals are interactions that are "repeated, coordinated, and significant," according to Dr. William Doherty, a relationship expert. Rituals can be something a couple does every day or once a week, month, or year. Rituals carry a positive emotional meaning for both people in the marriage. The emotional significance of the ritual distinguishes a ritual from a routine. Routines are done over and over but don't have much emotional meaning. Rituals are about having a connection. Almost anything can be turned into a ritual of connection if the focus is on the relationship and if it becomes a time for connection.

Doherty divides rituals into 3 categories: “connection, intimacy, and community.” An example of a connection ritual would be saying, "I love you" before leaving in the morning and upon returning home. Another example is going out to a cafe every Saturday morning or exercising together. Intimacy rituals could be patterns a couple develops in their sexual intimacy, or yearly dates for anniversaries or Valentine's Day. Lastly, community rituals are those where a couple participates in giving and receiving support in their larger community like religious activities or joint involvement in a community movement.

One of the standard teachings in our field is that couples need time to talk together every day. A married couple with children, who has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-problem-solving talk every day, is in the top two percent of all married couples. You're not going to have time for personal talk, especially if you have children, unless you ritualize it.  I have even seen couples who don't have children, who still need to arrange a time to talk together.

In conclusion, being intentional regarding your marriage means creating rituals that are shared activities that you do on a repeated basis (from daily to yearly) that have meaning for you as a couple. They can be small or big, splashy or simple, as long as they are a regular part of your couple life and the goal is to help you stay connected and keep your relationship healthy. #BeIntentional #CreatedForConnection

Getting Through Difficult/Traumatic Times in Your Life

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

Most of us have experienced some very difficult and possibly traumatic experiences. A lot of times we keep the experiences inside us under lock and key. When we choose to open up and share our painful experiences, it can transform moments of intense pain into one of connection and healing.

To begin to talk about and share our difficult times, which does not take away our hurt and immediately heal our emotional wounds, gives us a safe space to face and deal with our feelings in a healthy and nontoxic way. When we have the courage to break our emotional silence it can be a turning point in our relationships and gives us a whole new way of coping with our pain. In addition, when we share our stories, with a trusted other, it can connect us in a deep and meaningful way. We know from research that turning to someone we trust can actually increase our own chance of healing. The pain might not go away but in those moments, we realize we are not alone and that others “get it” and are there for us. 

Give yourself time to process your feelings and start talking to someone you trust who is responsive and nonjudgmental to your pain. It is so important to find others we can share our feelings with and to take time to listen to their stories of difficult times as well. We all need help and when we help others it can help us to heal as well.

Flaws, Fondness and Admiration

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

After the infatuation stage and you live with your spouse, marriage can be difficult. The Psychologist and Minister that married my husband and I said, “Marriages are like digging ditches, they are hard, dirty, sweaty work!” I was so in love, that advice went into one ear and out the other until the flaws appeared and the hard work hit.

Researcher John Gottman found that people who are happily married believe that deep down their spouse is still a good person regardless of their flaws. Anyone who has ever lived with someone or been married knows we all have flaws. Gottman goes on to say that those who nurture their “fondness and admiration” for each other are better able to accept each other’s flaws. If you don’t have fondness and admiration, then you will not be protected against feeling contempt for your spouse which can, over time, break down the bonds of your relationship.

According to Gottman, even the most troubled marriages are salvageable if there is even a little fondness and admiration between you. “The trick is to uncover the ember of fondness and fan it gently into a flame.”

When Change is Unwelcome

By Melanie Wolf, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mwolf@sdicouples.com)

The fall season marks the beginning of Daylight Savings. Even if the darker mornings make for difficult waking, many welcome the time change as afternoons stretch a little longer and the evenings settle in a bit gentler than the winter months - the extra light can feel so hopeful after the shorter, darker days. 

But change isn’t always as expected or welcome.

Unwelcome change can come in many forms: a new supervisor, sudden change or loss of a job, diagnosis of illness, death of a loved one, or the delay of much needed relief. One of the most disorienting parts of unexpected or unwelcome change is the lack of control that accompanies it. Often times the circumstances can’t be reversed and we are forced to adjust our plans, hopes, and expectations.

Responding to unexpected or unwelcome change varies significantly by person and circumstance, but a few key things can help these disorienting times feel less distressing.

• Self Care: in times of change self care can feel elusive and unimportant - but it is actually all the more critical. Taking care of your physical body (adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and fresh air) can help protect and enhance the mental and emotional energy you need. These things don’t need to be extreme - in fact sometimes the simpler the better. Breathe, Eat, Move, Sleep, Repeat.

• Connection: while not always the first instinct, reaching out to known support networks near and far can add strength and practical help. Letting people in your life know you need their support can be the first step to getting it. This might be friends, family, a church or social network. 

Professional Help: You may also find that your known resources feel insufficient. Adding support through medical and counseling professionals can help bridge the gap. Asking for help can make all the difference. If you find yourself here, our therapists would love to support you. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

“Chronic Pain/Illness...I’m a Prisoner in My Own Body”

By Megan Richardson, Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (mrichardson@sdicouples.com)

You can’t help but think back to, more like daydream, about what life was like before the pain started, before the illness was “officially diagnosed.”  Back when you had hope and felt some optimism about life and the future. If only you could go back to those times and truly appreciate the health, the freedom of mobility, the carefree feelings.  Chronic pain or chronic illness hit a similar place in us as grief does so mourning is often an important and valid response. You have to mourn the life you thought you would have, mourn the life you wanted or dreamed of….at least in the ways you imagined it.  

Chronic pain/illness can also leave you feeling isolated, alone, like an outsider looking in on the rest of the world living their lives...this can feel especially true when your pain/illness is not visible on the outside.  Others don’t know the day to day struggle you experience, the excruciating pain that comes with seemingly mundane life tasks. They don’t know that you have to opt out of certain things or miss out because your body simply won’t allow it that day.  Not only do you feel like an outsider to the rest of the world, but you also feel like a prisoner in your own world, your own body. This organism that sustains you, keeps you alive, has now failed you in some ways.  

At SDICF we know that chronic pain/illness is a very challenging experience and that each person’s story is unique.  We also understand that it can impact several areas of your life: work, family, friends, your mental health (particularly around depression and anxiety).  Our hope and our hearts are for people with these experiences to begin to feel light again, like life isn’t over, even if it’s not what they thought it would be.  

In addition to the appropriate medical care, it is vital for people with chronic pain/illness to take care of themselves holistically, and psychological care is a major component of that.  Here at SDICF, we can help you:

1. Have a comfortable and safe place to process your journey and feel whatever you need to feel.

2. Address issues of depression, anxiety, and sleep hygiene (all major pain gateways when left unaddressed and can lead to increased occurrence and severity of chronic pain).

3. Create a new, more empowered story regarding the pain/illness, recognizing that “you are NOT your pain/illness,” because how we think about our pain is critical to successful outcomes.

4. Implement healthy and effective coping strategies and calming practices, in hopes that  from a more centered place you will be able to move from “why” questions to “what now” questions and make hopeful and beneficial plans for your future.  

If you are on a journey that includes chronic pain/illness we recognize that it is not easy and we would love to be invited into that process with you.  You are the expert of your own story but sometimes we just can’t do it alone. We are here. Please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being.  We can not escape that it is a core part of our nature to need other people - to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.

6 Keys for Grieving Towards Wholeness

By: Melanie Wolf, LMFT

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” These words open A Grief Observed, the tender account of C.S. Lewis’s experience of grief following the death of his beloved wife, Joy Davidman. Like other accounts of grief and loss, this book gives a glimpse into a particular story with the intricacies of relationship, personality, and experience that make every story of grief unique. Lewis’s account also reveals universal aspects of grieving: that is comes in waves, shows up in every facet of our lives, and that over time we must integrate it into our lived experience.

People often describe grief as coming in waves. Some massive, others nearly manageable, and all the while always rolling in. These waves often come at unexpected times and in unexpected ways.

We drive by a tree our beloved would have loved to climb.

Their office, bedroom, or favorite chair is achingly empty.

We wake from a dream only to realize yet again they are no longer here to share it with.

The calendar passes what would have marked another year of their life or our relationship.

As these waves come, they can grip our hearts and even our bodies - much like the fear C.S. Lewis likens grief to - and surprise us with accompanying tears, anger, disbelief, and anxiety.

Grief can feel disorienting and scary; it can feel like having the rug yanked from under our feet.

The most helpful way to not feel utterly blindsided by the experience of grief is to become familiar with it, to know a little about what you might expect. Here are some things to remember about grief:

• Grief is natural. It is the emotional, spiritual, physical response to losing something we love.

• Grief is a unique experience for each person. Just as no two people live and love the exact same, no two people grief the exact same.

• Grief is a process. It is not linear but can rather feel quite circuitous. While there are common experiences like denial and anger, they are experienced differently by everyone and in no particular order.

• There is no exact timeline for grief. Healing looks different for every person - while we expect to see movement toward integration and healing, there is no exact time table for that process.

• Grief can be isolating. One of the scariest parts of grief can be feeling alone and misunderstood. Remembering that there are others who have walked and are walking a similar journey can be lifesaving. Grief counseling, grief support groups, and grief resources are excellent places to look for help. Reaching out can be one of the most important steps toward healing.

• Growth can come through grief. While grief can be painful and unknown, grief can stretch and grow us in profound and meaningful ways.

While grief following the death of a loved one can’t be avoided, don’t go through it alone. Reach out for support. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

Could Spiritual Direction Be for You?

By Melanie Wolf, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mwolf@sdicouples.com)

For most, the spiritual journey is full of twists and turns, disappointments and joys, silence and longings, periods of great faith and of deep doubt. One of the most helpful practices for these various seasons of faith is spiritual direction. 

Spiritual direction is the sacred practice of meeting with someone (a spiritual director) who seeks to help you explore the spiritual dimension of your life. In Christian spiritual direction, the goal is to help you see, hear, and recognize the voice and movement of God in your life. Spiritual direction distinctly focuses on a relationship with God - discovering, deepening, and responding to that relationship in the various seasons of your faith journey. 

The focus of spiritual direction is your present life and what can be learned by paying attention to the everyday stirrings and experiences of the soul. As spiritual director Alice Fryling writes: 

“In spiritual direction we look at the truth of our present situation and experience. The question asked is not ‘What should be happening in my life?" but "What is happening in my life?’ We look for God here, now, because the place where we are in our lives is the place where we find God....The present moment, the present set of circumstances, the present relationships in our lives - this is where God lives. This is where God meets us and gives us life. This is where spiritual direction occurs.” 

This paying attention to your present life in spiritual direction will often include various spiritual disciplines like silence, journaling, and the Prayer of Examen. A spiritual director will ask questions that help reveal the invitations present in your life and how you might want to respond to them. While spiritual direction can be a helpful tool for any time in your faith journey, it can be particularly helpful in seasons of transition, loss, disorientation, or disillusionment in your faith. 

What to expect in spiritual direction:

• Spiritual direction appointments are typically 50 minutes in length, once a month.  

• They will often begin with a few minutes of silence as a way of tuning in to the present and paying attention to the thoughts and feelings you would like to explore.

• Spiritual direction will focus on your spiritual longings and relationship with God - exploring the questions and stirrings in your heart, mind, and soul.

• As you seek to see, hear, and recognize the voice and movement of God in your life, a spiritual director will invite you to engage in various spiritual disciplines and creative practices.

• Richard Foster notes: “Spiritual direction is an interpersonal relationship in which we learn how to grow, live, and love in the spiritual life.”

If spending time paying attention to the longings and questions of your soul and “learning how to grow, live, and love in the spiritual life” sounds desirable in this season of your faith journey - whatever that may be, spiritual direction might be exactly what you need. 

Fryling, A. (2009). Seeking God together: An introduction to group spiritual direction. IVP Books.

Habits that Connect Couples

By: Bucky Bateman, LMFT

I am.

Let's put the kids down.

Have a light dinner.

Shower.

Maybe not drink so much.

And do that thing I would rather do with you than with anyone else.

Lie in bed and look at our iPhones.

- John Kenney (poet)

This John Kenney poem hopefully gives you a chuckle and illustrates the modern struggle in our marriages.  Remember the days when you were young, in love and you’d rather stay up and talk for hours with the one you love more than anything else. One of the joys of being in a long-term relationship is that we have someone who knows us, supports us and has our back. It’s far too easy to disconnect from each other and find a false sense of connection through our phones, screens and an evening or weekend media binge.  We live in a world longing to connect but forgetting how to do it well. Here are some tips to foster connection in your relationship.

·      Take time to connect in the morning

This might be asking a lot for those who are not naturally morning people. Pausing, looking each other in the eye, or snuggling up close and greeting the other person into the day goes a long way to building a connection.

·      Find a way to let your partner know they’re on your mind

Our days can be burdensome and busy. A positive of having a phone is we can send a quick text, forward an article, video or song that made you think of your spouse.

·      Take a deep breath before you walk in the door

At the other end of the day, an evening routine can often go sour when we come home with the day’s burdens on our shoulders. These can easily get put on our partner when we see them. Take a minute to take inventory of your inner world so you can be present when you arrive.

·      Build a ritual into your day, week, or month that invests in your marriage

It’s challenging to find time if you haven’t planned it. Just like anything else, we build habits by developing rituals and repeating them. Build the habit of caring for your relationship in small ways. Prepare him/her coffee or tea, ask how you can be praying for him or her today, spend a few minutes before bed listening to a podcast and discussing it.

·      Make a Date

With life pressing in, the first thing to suffer is often a regular date night. Making a consistent time, whether it be brunch, coffee, or a nice walk really does nurture your connection. Be active together, go learn something new together and do it regularly.

"More Than Just Skinned Knees" (Attachment Part 1)

By: Megan Richardson, AMFT

We all probably have at least a few memories of getting skinned knees as a kid: playing in the street with neighborhood friends, falling off of the monkey bars, climbing trees, or flipping over the handlebars (yikes)…anyone with me? But we also most likely have some deeper, sometimes hidden wounds from our childhood. These ones don’t leave visible scars but they continue to bleed into our adult lives from time to time.

      Do you find that you and your partner have the same fight over and over again? When you’re honest, do you ever overreact to something that the other says because you are just positive that they meant to devastate you by it? Or could it be that there are older pains, scars from childhood or adolescence, that squeeze their way into our fights and our relationships? The truth is, we all have some raw spots stemming from past wounds. The masks we sometimes wear around others or post on social media may make everyone believe otherwise, but we really do hurt each other.

    I’m talking about attachment...and the gist of it is that our early childhood experiences, especially with our primary caregivers (often mom and dad), significantly shape our “attachment style,” and our personal attachment style significantly informs how we operate in just about all of our future close relationships.

We all have some version of wounding, or past baggage if you prefer that language. Even our partners can cause us some attachment injuries. However, the beautiful hope is that similar to our skinned knees from childhood, these wounds can also be healed through healthy and attentive relationships. We can be healers and the primary empowerers for each other. When we are available, responsive, and engaged with each other, we become the safest space and the safest people. Those raw spots from our past and our present relationships get exposed, but then can start to mend, even when it might feel painful or slow. It is worth it and it matters.  The therapists at SDICF want to help you and your partner along on that journey. Please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

Why Good Marriage Therapy?

According to Dr. William Doherty, "Couples arrive in crisis and need a rapid response to stop the bleeding. If CPR isn't given rapidly, a marriage could be over in a flash...divorce is more like an amputation rather than cosmetic surgery." When primary care physicians know they can't cure the patient they refer them to a specialist. The San Diego Institute for Couples and Families is that specialist when it comes to relationships!

So what makes a good therapist? It is important to seek help with a therapist that specializes and has extensive training in treating couples. The San Diego Institute for Couples and Families recognizes that building strong relationships creates happier individuals and families leading to stronger communities. Our research-based therapeutic approaches are successful in assisting individuals and couples find a number of workable solutions. Each therapist is specifically trained, on an ongoing basis, in couples counseling as well as individual and family therapy. #WeKnowHowToHelpYou

Mary Cipriani, LMFT, Director

Marriage Check-Ins: A Weekly Meeting to Stay Connected and Communicating

Written By Lindsay Wilson, LMFT 

In our home we call it the "Marriage Meeting". It's a sunday afternoon ritual to keep Matt and I connected and up to date on each other's lives during the week. We started this after a series of miscommunications and arguments following phrases like: "You didn't tell me about that", "I didn't know I needed to put that on my calendar", "I thought you knew...", You get the point.

We also found that sometimes the week gets ahold of us and we can easily loose touch with each other in the midst of busy schedules. A "Marriage Check-in" is a way to reconnect at the end of a week as well as get on the same page and connect about the week to come. 

Here is how to instate a "Marriage Check-in": 

1. Pick a day and time

We like having our check-in on sunday afternoons. It gives us a chance to reflect on the past week as well as project forward for the week ahead. Plan to carve out around 30mins. per week.

2. Place a recurrence or reminder on your calendars for the same day and time each week

I don't know about you, but I am lost without my schedule/calendar to keep me on task. When you place a recurrence or reminder on your calendar you are further keeping yourselves accountable to keep the meeting going each week. Soon it will become a habit, however; every new habit takes time to become normalized into a routine. 

3. Create an agenda for your check-ins

What are some areas in your relationship that could use a little more communication? Pick 4 or 5 questions and keep note of them somewhere. Take liberties to get creative with the questions you ask here! These questions should be tailored to your marriage and it's functionality. Every marriage is unique and has different needs.

*Also, if you have children and you don't feel like you can sneak away for half an hour, why not model communication by doing your marriage check-in with them present? You can even include them as part of a "Family Meeting" However, while I believe family meetings are critical, I firmly believe you should carve out time for your marriage check-in separate from the family meeting.  

Here is a list of possible questions to bring up in your meeting: 

Scheduling: 

What does your schedule look like for the week?

What do the kid's schedules look like for the week?

When do you need me to present with you or for you this week? When do you need me to present with you or for you emotionally this week? 

What expectations do you have for the week? Are those expectations clear, communicated, and reasonable? 

When in our schedule can we fit in a date night or connecting time in the week? 

When can we share meals together as a family this week?/ When should we plan on eating separately this week? Thoughts about what meals to plan for and shop for? 

Budgeting & Finances: 

What does our budget look like this week? 

What bills need to be paid this week? 

When do we anticipate spending money this week? Does that fit with our financial goals and budget? 

Intimacy & Connection: 

How has our intimacy been this last week? 

How has our connection been? What would make you feel more connected to each other this week? 

Reflection: 

What are you looking forward to in your week? What are you dreading? 

What was the high and low of the week that just passed? 

What are you feeling grateful for? 

How can I be praying for you this week? 

4. End the session with a opportunity for deeper connection

We often end our meeting by praying together. We pray about our marriage, our family, our upcoming weeks, praises and petitions we may have. Other ideas for deeper connection could be ending with a sign of affection (insert creativity here ;) )

Regardless of what you do or say, make sure that you end these check-ins feeling more connected and seen by each other. 

Anyone else do this or something similar to the marriage check-in? How has it impacted your relationship?