“BLACK WOMEN!! We have gone through so much

By Kendall Stewart, M.A., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, LMFT #147143

BLACK WOMEN!! We have gone through so much. And yes we are magic but we are not invincible. Come find some tools and moments of healing within community. For more information about joining this space send me an email so I can send details and schedule a time for us to chat.

Attachment Explained

By Marlee Cornue, M.S., Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, APCC# 9000, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (mcornue@sdicouples.com)

In psychology, the word “attachment” is used a lot. Attachment Theory originated in 1958 when John Bowlby began researching infants’ attachment to their parents, and the stages of the infant/ parent attachment. Sue Johnson (founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy) expanded attachment theory to include how we as individuals attach to those around us from the cradle to the grave. 

So why may it be important to understand and explore your early attachment? The research tells us that by knowing how secure you felt as a child, you will be able to better understand how secure you feel in your adult relationships. Simply put, if you find yourself in similar patterns of attachment in adult relationships, and you  want to make a change, exploring your early attachment may be a way to grow and heal. 

Therapists will work to help you fill in the gaps and understand how early experiences may have shaped you. This is important because attachment wounds can be healed through healthy adult relationships, they can also be reinforced if you end up in a similar cycle over and over. The more you understand about yourself the more power you have to make changes. 

Men! Let Your Partner Influence You

By Marc Sherman, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #116508, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (msherman@sdicouples.com)

Why do we always want to be right in a relationship? Why do we believe that we can handle issues on our own? In a marriage, effective communication is the foundation and a key success indicator. Men, we need to accept and respect our partner’s ideas, influences and contributions. According to relationship expert, John Gottman, “When a husband accepts his wife’s influence, he also strengthens their friendship.”

Of course, in a successful marriage or relationship, both parties have to “want” the best for each other. Both parties must learn to compromise, out-service each other and be willing to listen with love and understanding. Marriage should be viewed as a team and together striving and working towards reaching established common goals and dreams. According to Gottman, when men are open to the influence of their wives, “the women are less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching difficult marriage topics.” The odds of a successful marriage are increased when influence is accepted.

Our goal as men should be to improve our EQ (Emotional Quotient) not IQ when it comes to our partner. Being emotionally intelligent, present and available allows us to be open to our partner’s influence. Our EQ improves when we honor and respect our partner’s and are able to connect with them emotionally. Per Gottman “the emotionally intelligent husband is able to honor his wife and convey his respect for her.” Accepting your partner’s influence does not make you weak or a pushover, it truly only strengthens your marriage and relationship and yields greater success and satisfaction.

Do you have a Love Map in your relationship?

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

According to John Gottman’s research, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. We call this having a richly detailed Love Map. A Love Map is simply knowing all the important, and even not so important, information about your partner’s life. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. Having a Love Map and all the information you learn about your partner builds a richness between you and thus intimacy.

In addition to the closeness Love Maps build, couples who have detailed Maps about their partner’s world are usually better prepared to deal with life stressors and the conflict they face. Gottman states, “Partners who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other are feeling and thinking aren’t as thrown off course by changes and stress in each other’s lives. But if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your relationship to lose its way when your lives shift with the challenges and stressors that come to you over time.” Without being intimately familiar with your partner, stress and conflict can polarize you where you fall into a negative dance that disconnects you vs. holds you together. This is why Love Maps are foundational to a good relationship.

How do you build Love Maps? Learn about your spouse, ask questions, and understand what you hear. The questions can be so simple but can provide great insight. For example, my husband and I lived in Northern Italy for 4 years. After moving back to the U.S. we moved to San Diego and attended a marital group at our local church. One of the questions from Gottman’s Love Maps was, “What is your favorite cake?” Because we had lived in Italy and loved the cuisine, my husband assumed it would be something extravagant we had eaten abroad. His guess was wrong as it was simply a cake from Costco! My response was surprising but a very fun discovery for both of us. Love Maps are easy - to get you started just answer the following questions, it will not only be fun but actually build some intimacy while you are at it.

Love Map Exercise Questions:

• Name my two closest friends.

• What was I wearing when we first met?

• Name one of my hobbies.

• What stresses am I facing right now?

• Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.

• What is my fondest unrealized dream?

• What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?

• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

• What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

• What is my favorite getaway place?

• What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

• What are some of my favorite ways to work out?

• Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”

• What would I consider my ideal job?

• What medical problems do I worry about?

• What was my most embarrassing moment?

• Name one of my favorite novels/movies.

• What is my favorite restaurant?

Your first time in therapy? Here’s what you can expect.

By Courtney Grove, MA, Associate MFT (cgrove@sdicouples.com)

You’ve done the hard work of finding, researching, and maybe interviewing therapists to find the best fit for you or your relationship. What happens now?

At the beginning of the first session, the therapist will start by reviewing the “informed consent form.” We want you to understand the therapy process and this will cover the costs, cancellation policies, confidentiality, and other information to ensure that you know what to expect as you begin your counseling sessions. To save time, we will email our forms to you so you may complete them ahead of your first session. The forms will then be sent back to your therapist who will have time to review your information so they may come to your first session ready and prepared to help you. 

 After this, the therapist may ask a variation of the question, “What is happening and why now?” We are trying to understand what brought you to therapy, and what made you choose to come at this particular point in time. We will also ask questions about your current life situation and if applicable, your relationships. This information helps the therapist to assess your needs, both to ensure that they will be a good fit for you and to better understand who you are and what you need. Other questions you can expect us to ask are your personal history, the family you grew up in, and who you were close to when you were growing up.  The questions we ask play an important role in who you are and how you interact with the people in your adult life. Finally, we want to hear what your goals are for your therapy, and what you may have tried in the past to meet your goals. We care about you and your ultimate healing and success thus your therapist is always open to questions you might have at any given point in your therapy but especially at the beginning. 

Success in therapy is mainly based on your participation, willingness, and honesty. If for whatever reason you’re afraid that you won’t be able to be clear, it can help to write down what you’re struggling with prior to your sessions. Please know that the first session won’t bring automatic healing. Therapy is a process, and not a quick fix, although we do try to work as quickly as possible to help you resolve your issues.  The process of therapy requires vulnerability, trust, honesty, and consistency. Therapy may require coming back even when it hurts, or even when you start to feel a little better.  

 We look forward to meeting you and starting the process of working together to create the life that you’re happy to be living. It starts with your brave decision to reach out! At SDICF, we know how to help. 

Pornography Addiction: An Insidious Affliction – What is Porn Addiction?

By,  Kyle Ferlic, MA. Excerpts from this post are from a colleague, we are CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) candidates and trained to help addicts and their betrayed partners. You may reach Kyle at https://www.familytransformation.com/.

Some Stats:

“According to a 2018 Gallup poll, more Americans than ever (at 43% of those surveyed) said that pornography was morally acceptable to them. As stated by PornHub, a global pornographic streaming company, in their 2018 Year in Review report, there are approximately 64,000 people worldwide logging on to view pornography every minute. Although it can be difficult to understand how many users might be addicted, one Australian study showed that of 20,000 people, 1.2 percent of women and 4.4 percent of men rated themselves as pornography addicts. Pornography and sex can be highly addictive like any behavior or substance, especially for the lonely or traumatized individual.” We call it the 3 A’s, it is affordable, accessible, and anonymous. Because of the 3 A’s, we are seeing younger individuals struggling with porn.

Porn Addiction Defined:

The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). IITAP notes that pornography addictions occur when at least three of the following 10 criteria are met for any one person:

• Recurrent failure to resist impulses to engage in using pornography;

• Frequent engaging in the use of pornography to a greater extent;

• Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control pornography use;

• An inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining pornography, being sexual with pornography, or recovering from pornography experiences;

• Preoccupation with pornography or preparatory activities leading to pornography use;

• Frequent engaging in pornography when someone is expected to fulfill other obligations (such as occupational, domestic, or social);

• Continuation of pornography use despite knowledge of having persistent and recurring social, financial, psychological, or physical problems caused or amplified by pornography;

• A need to increase the frequency or risk-level of pornography watched to achieve the desired effect, or experiencing a diminishing effect with the same level of intensity of pornography use;

• Giving up or limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities because of pornography use;

• And distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if one is unable to engage in using pornography.

An Insidious Affliction:

Given the criteria above, a person is generally struggling with pornography addiction (PA) if he or she experiences a loss of control over his or her behavior, impairment in multiple areas of his or her life, and an increased amount of risk in the type of porn he or she watches over time. Just like with other addictions, an individual with PA probably does not realize the pornography usage is problematic until it has already become his or her brain’s new neurochemical normal. In other words, the “high” received from pornography due to its nature as a super-stimulus shifts the brain to crave it above all else. Today’s pornography in its high-definition state, paired with its anonymity, accessibility, and affordability through online viewing, releases the same neurochemicals in similar amounts (or more) as drugs like amphetamine or heroin. An individual struggling with PA eventually become tolerant of dopamine levels, requiring him to seek more pornography or riskier types of pornography to be appeased. He may not realize it yet, but when PA exists, the addicted individual is likely in tremendous denial and lying to himself (and others) regularly with self-talk like: “I can stop anytime I want,” and “I am not hurting anyone.”

General Impacts:

The insidiousness of addiction, whether it be with pornography or any other behavior or substance, is that it never impacts an addicted individual alone. When I was in graduate school, I remember hearing that, on average, every addicted person causes increased negative stress on four to five other loved ones. According to a journal on clinical medicine, negative associations exist between pornography addiction and erectile dysfunction, sexual dissatisfaction, body-image dissatisfaction, increased sexual performance pressure, less actual sex, anxiety disorders, mood disorders, substance abuse, and even problematic video game use. Pornography addiction hurts the addicted individual, his or her significant other, any children involved, and it often extends to friends and family within the person’s social system due to deception and relational trauma.

Conclusion:

In this article, Kyle introduced the clinical diagnostic criteria and the general impacts of pornography addiction. Even though our understanding of PA is in its infancy, and there is a healthy amount of debate on its definition and influence…PA is regularly bringing clients into the offices of counselors like ourselves.

If you are struggling, or know someone who is, or if you are a betrayed partner, we, at San Diego Institute for Couples and Families, would like to help you. We currently have 3 therapists on staff that are working with these issues for both the addict and partners. Currently, Kyle Ferlic is working in North Carolina and you may reach him at info@familytransformation.com.

What is Post Traumatic Stress?

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

Post-Traumatic Stress can be caused by an acute stressor or a life-threatening event. Events such as partner betrayal, racism, crimes, ridicule at work or school, are some examples that may cause PTS. The effects of post-traumatic stress can make you feel powerless, scared, can change your mood, make you feel isolated and alone. You may experience flashbacks, nightmares reliving the experience, trouble sleeping, have angry outbursts, apathy towards events that used to interest you and feel people around you don’t understand. Although most experience the symptoms up to 3 months after the traumatic experience, others can experience the symptoms longer.

 PTSD Facts:

·       More than 8 million Americans between the age of 18 and older have PTSD.

·       3.6% of the US Adult population experienced post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in the past year as reported by the National Institute of Mental Health.

·       67 percent of people exposed to mass violence have been shown to develop PTSD, a higher rate than those exposed to natural disasters or other types of traumatic events.

·       People who have experienced previous traumatic events run a higher risk of developing PTSD.

·       PTSD can also affect children and members of the military.

 The good news is you don’t have to go through this alone. There are professionals who can help you and many who have sought help have for their symptoms have had great success. If you believe you are suffering from PTS please reach out to us, we are here to help you.

Resources:

• https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment

• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK56506/

• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/

Help for Those Who Have Suffered Childhood Sexual Abuse

By Donna Scott, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (dscott@sdicouples.com)

God impressed the need for my upcoming book almost daily as I encounter women who struggle with the trauma of their past childhood sexual abuse. The struggles can be seen in my life, my family, my circle of friends, and in my therapy practice. The damage caused by sexual abuse spans across all cultures, all ages, and all backgrounds as we see evidence splashed across the media. As I wrote the introduction of my book, the #metoo movement was growing in numbers daily. So many women coming forward admitting they were sexually abused. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified regarding her experience with sexual abuse during a Supreme Court nominee hearing. For speaking up, she is supported but also condemned as a liar, ridiculed, and mocked. Larry Nasser, the former employee of Michigan State University and U.S. Gymnastics doctor is in prison serving a 40-175 years sentence for molesting his young patients during two decades.

Over 160 of the 265 victimized women came forward to speak at his sentencing. ( "USA Gymnastics doctor 'abused 265 girls'". BBC News. 2018. Retrieved January 31,2018)  Gymnast Katie Rasmussen said “No one did anything because no one believed me. They didn't understand how such a respectable doctor would do something like that. And I don't understand how a 14-year-old could make that up.” Physical therapist and former gymnast Marta Stern, saying she originally wanted to remain anonymous “out of fear of how it would affect my life, my loved ones and my career. However, I will no longer let you have control over me. I will not let you win,” she told Nassar. Olympian Jamie Dantzscher looked at Nassar as she said: “Your days of manipulation are over,” she added. “We have a voice. We have the power now.” (https://www.mcall.com/news/breaking/mc-nws-nassar-victims-gymnasts-speak-20180125-story.html)

Do any of these words, thoughts or feelings sound familiar? Can you relate? I know I can. I realize every one of us have a different story to tell. You may not have been abused by your doctor but I’m pretty sure it was by someone you should have been able to trust. A parent, a priest, a teacher, a coach, or like me, your babysitter. Some of you may have tried to tell someone about your abuse but you weren’t believed. You were told perhaps you misunderstood or you made it up or you’re just saying that to try to get someone in trouble. Some of you may have kept silent because you were afraid if people knew what happened to you they would look at you a little different and your life could change for the worse. Many of us want to lock the experience of our abuse in a file, hoping it will never see the light of day ever again. Life goes on, but something triggers the pain. The locked file opens and the trauma caused by the abuse comes roaring to life again. Until we can grab it, and force it back in the file again. In those moments we feel as if we will never healed. Never feel whole. Never truly have control over our lives because the control, along with our innocence, was taken by our perpetrators.

As I have listened to painful story after painful story, I realize there are common threads woven in the painful tapestry of abuse. Those dark threads include difficulty in letting go of the past, feelings of shame, depression, worthlessness, isolation, fear, and discouragement. God desire for us to learn not to let the past abuse define our future. Letting go of the need for self-preservation and trusting others, including God, can seem impossible. I deeply desire to share my story of traveling from victim to victorious. and recognize transformation of the past is possible by giving survivors a better narrative for our lives. In our pain we tend to focus on those dark threads seeing the tangled mess of our lives with little hope for peace. God wants us to change our focus from our perspective to His. You see, God doesn’t just see dark threads when He looks at us. He sees threads of light which include commitment, perseverance, courage, forgiveness, and faith.

Through glimpses of my story of victimization by the hand of my sexual predator, are my coping skills wrapped in isolation, struggling with the guilt and shame and seeking relief in all the wrong places. My desperation lead me to the one person who could help me begin to restore what was broken and tangled in stone, God. God began to help me navigate the blame I believed I deserved, shame, staggering guilt, lost hope, dark depression and vast emptiness I experienced following my abuse.  My new mission is to help others who have been hurt and are still hurting from their past. My book will be out in 2020, but until then I will be in my office waiting to help those who long to escape the tangled mess their abuse has caused them.

Getting Through Difficult/Traumatic Times in Your Life

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

Most of us have experienced some very difficult and possibly traumatic experiences. A lot of times we keep the experiences inside us under lock and key. When we choose to open up and share our painful experiences, it can transform moments of intense pain into one of connection and healing.

To begin to talk about and share our difficult times, which does not take away our hurt and immediately heal our emotional wounds, gives us a safe space to face and deal with our feelings in a healthy and nontoxic way. When we have the courage to break our emotional silence it can be a turning point in our relationships and gives us a whole new way of coping with our pain. In addition, when we share our stories, with a trusted other, it can connect us in a deep and meaningful way. We know from research that turning to someone we trust can actually increase our own chance of healing. The pain might not go away but in those moments, we realize we are not alone and that others “get it” and are there for us. 

Give yourself time to process your feelings and start talking to someone you trust who is responsive and nonjudgmental to your pain. It is so important to find others we can share our feelings with and to take time to listen to their stories of difficult times as well. We all need help and when we help others it can help us to heal as well.

Flaws, Fondness and Admiration

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

After the infatuation stage and you live with your spouse, marriage can be difficult. The Psychologist and Minister that married my husband and I said, “Marriages are like digging ditches, they are hard, dirty, sweaty work!” I was so in love, that advice went into one ear and out the other until the flaws appeared and the hard work hit.

Researcher John Gottman found that people who are happily married believe that deep down their spouse is still a good person regardless of their flaws. Anyone who has ever lived with someone or been married knows we all have flaws. Gottman goes on to say that those who nurture their “fondness and admiration” for each other are better able to accept each other’s flaws. If you don’t have fondness and admiration, then you will not be protected against feeling contempt for your spouse which can, over time, break down the bonds of your relationship.

According to Gottman, even the most troubled marriages are salvageable if there is even a little fondness and admiration between you. “The trick is to uncover the ember of fondness and fan it gently into a flame.”

When Change is Unwelcome

By Melanie Wolf, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mwolf@sdicouples.com)

The fall season marks the beginning of Daylight Savings. Even if the darker mornings make for difficult waking, many welcome the time change as afternoons stretch a little longer and the evenings settle in a bit gentler than the winter months - the extra light can feel so hopeful after the shorter, darker days. 

But change isn’t always as expected or welcome.

Unwelcome change can come in many forms: a new supervisor, sudden change or loss of a job, diagnosis of illness, death of a loved one, or the delay of much needed relief. One of the most disorienting parts of unexpected or unwelcome change is the lack of control that accompanies it. Often times the circumstances can’t be reversed and we are forced to adjust our plans, hopes, and expectations.

Responding to unexpected or unwelcome change varies significantly by person and circumstance, but a few key things can help these disorienting times feel less distressing.

• Self Care: in times of change self care can feel elusive and unimportant - but it is actually all the more critical. Taking care of your physical body (adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and fresh air) can help protect and enhance the mental and emotional energy you need. These things don’t need to be extreme - in fact sometimes the simpler the better. Breathe, Eat, Move, Sleep, Repeat.

• Connection: while not always the first instinct, reaching out to known support networks near and far can add strength and practical help. Letting people in your life know you need their support can be the first step to getting it. This might be friends, family, a church or social network. 

Professional Help: You may also find that your known resources feel insufficient. Adding support through medical and counseling professionals can help bridge the gap. Asking for help can make all the difference. If you find yourself here, our therapists would love to support you. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

“Chronic Pain/Illness...I’m a Prisoner in My Own Body”

By Megan Richardson, Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (mrichardson@sdicouples.com)

You can’t help but think back to, more like daydream, about what life was like before the pain started, before the illness was “officially diagnosed.”  Back when you had hope and felt some optimism about life and the future. If only you could go back to those times and truly appreciate the health, the freedom of mobility, the carefree feelings.  Chronic pain or chronic illness hit a similar place in us as grief does so mourning is often an important and valid response. You have to mourn the life you thought you would have, mourn the life you wanted or dreamed of….at least in the ways you imagined it.  

Chronic pain/illness can also leave you feeling isolated, alone, like an outsider looking in on the rest of the world living their lives...this can feel especially true when your pain/illness is not visible on the outside.  Others don’t know the day to day struggle you experience, the excruciating pain that comes with seemingly mundane life tasks. They don’t know that you have to opt out of certain things or miss out because your body simply won’t allow it that day.  Not only do you feel like an outsider to the rest of the world, but you also feel like a prisoner in your own world, your own body. This organism that sustains you, keeps you alive, has now failed you in some ways.  

At SDICF we know that chronic pain/illness is a very challenging experience and that each person’s story is unique.  We also understand that it can impact several areas of your life: work, family, friends, your mental health (particularly around depression and anxiety).  Our hope and our hearts are for people with these experiences to begin to feel light again, like life isn’t over, even if it’s not what they thought it would be.  

In addition to the appropriate medical care, it is vital for people with chronic pain/illness to take care of themselves holistically, and psychological care is a major component of that.  Here at SDICF, we can help you:

1. Have a comfortable and safe place to process your journey and feel whatever you need to feel.

2. Address issues of depression, anxiety, and sleep hygiene (all major pain gateways when left unaddressed and can lead to increased occurrence and severity of chronic pain).

3. Create a new, more empowered story regarding the pain/illness, recognizing that “you are NOT your pain/illness,” because how we think about our pain is critical to successful outcomes.

4. Implement healthy and effective coping strategies and calming practices, in hopes that  from a more centered place you will be able to move from “why” questions to “what now” questions and make hopeful and beneficial plans for your future.  

If you are on a journey that includes chronic pain/illness we recognize that it is not easy and we would love to be invited into that process with you.  You are the expert of your own story but sometimes we just can’t do it alone. We are here. Please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being.  We can not escape that it is a core part of our nature to need other people - to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.

6 Keys for Grieving Towards Wholeness

By: Melanie Wolf, LMFT

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” These words open A Grief Observed, the tender account of C.S. Lewis’s experience of grief following the death of his beloved wife, Joy Davidman. Like other accounts of grief and loss, this book gives a glimpse into a particular story with the intricacies of relationship, personality, and experience that make every story of grief unique. Lewis’s account also reveals universal aspects of grieving: that is comes in waves, shows up in every facet of our lives, and that over time we must integrate it into our lived experience.

People often describe grief as coming in waves. Some massive, others nearly manageable, and all the while always rolling in. These waves often come at unexpected times and in unexpected ways.

We drive by a tree our beloved would have loved to climb.

Their office, bedroom, or favorite chair is achingly empty.

We wake from a dream only to realize yet again they are no longer here to share it with.

The calendar passes what would have marked another year of their life or our relationship.

As these waves come, they can grip our hearts and even our bodies - much like the fear C.S. Lewis likens grief to - and surprise us with accompanying tears, anger, disbelief, and anxiety.

Grief can feel disorienting and scary; it can feel like having the rug yanked from under our feet.

The most helpful way to not feel utterly blindsided by the experience of grief is to become familiar with it, to know a little about what you might expect. Here are some things to remember about grief:

• Grief is natural. It is the emotional, spiritual, physical response to losing something we love.

• Grief is a unique experience for each person. Just as no two people live and love the exact same, no two people grief the exact same.

• Grief is a process. It is not linear but can rather feel quite circuitous. While there are common experiences like denial and anger, they are experienced differently by everyone and in no particular order.

• There is no exact timeline for grief. Healing looks different for every person - while we expect to see movement toward integration and healing, there is no exact time table for that process.

• Grief can be isolating. One of the scariest parts of grief can be feeling alone and misunderstood. Remembering that there are others who have walked and are walking a similar journey can be lifesaving. Grief counseling, grief support groups, and grief resources are excellent places to look for help. Reaching out can be one of the most important steps toward healing.

• Growth can come through grief. While grief can be painful and unknown, grief can stretch and grow us in profound and meaningful ways.

While grief following the death of a loved one can’t be avoided, don’t go through it alone. Reach out for support. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

Could Spiritual Direction Be for You?

By Melanie Wolf, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mwolf@sdicouples.com)

For most, the spiritual journey is full of twists and turns, disappointments and joys, silence and longings, periods of great faith and of deep doubt. One of the most helpful practices for these various seasons of faith is spiritual direction. 

Spiritual direction is the sacred practice of meeting with someone (a spiritual director) who seeks to help you explore the spiritual dimension of your life. In Christian spiritual direction, the goal is to help you see, hear, and recognize the voice and movement of God in your life. Spiritual direction distinctly focuses on a relationship with God - discovering, deepening, and responding to that relationship in the various seasons of your faith journey. 

The focus of spiritual direction is your present life and what can be learned by paying attention to the everyday stirrings and experiences of the soul. As spiritual director Alice Fryling writes: 

“In spiritual direction we look at the truth of our present situation and experience. The question asked is not ‘What should be happening in my life?" but "What is happening in my life?’ We look for God here, now, because the place where we are in our lives is the place where we find God....The present moment, the present set of circumstances, the present relationships in our lives - this is where God lives. This is where God meets us and gives us life. This is where spiritual direction occurs.” 

This paying attention to your present life in spiritual direction will often include various spiritual disciplines like silence, journaling, and the Prayer of Examen. A spiritual director will ask questions that help reveal the invitations present in your life and how you might want to respond to them. While spiritual direction can be a helpful tool for any time in your faith journey, it can be particularly helpful in seasons of transition, loss, disorientation, or disillusionment in your faith. 

What to expect in spiritual direction:

• Spiritual direction appointments are typically 50 minutes in length, once a month.  

• They will often begin with a few minutes of silence as a way of tuning in to the present and paying attention to the thoughts and feelings you would like to explore.

• Spiritual direction will focus on your spiritual longings and relationship with God - exploring the questions and stirrings in your heart, mind, and soul.

• As you seek to see, hear, and recognize the voice and movement of God in your life, a spiritual director will invite you to engage in various spiritual disciplines and creative practices.

• Richard Foster notes: “Spiritual direction is an interpersonal relationship in which we learn how to grow, live, and love in the spiritual life.”

If spending time paying attention to the longings and questions of your soul and “learning how to grow, live, and love in the spiritual life” sounds desirable in this season of your faith journey - whatever that may be, spiritual direction might be exactly what you need. 

Fryling, A. (2009). Seeking God together: An introduction to group spiritual direction. IVP Books.

Habits that Connect Couples

By: Bucky Bateman, LMFT

I am.

Let's put the kids down.

Have a light dinner.

Shower.

Maybe not drink so much.

And do that thing I would rather do with you than with anyone else.

Lie in bed and look at our iPhones.

- John Kenney (poet)

This John Kenney poem hopefully gives you a chuckle and illustrates the modern struggle in our marriages.  Remember the days when you were young, in love and you’d rather stay up and talk for hours with the one you love more than anything else. One of the joys of being in a long-term relationship is that we have someone who knows us, supports us and has our back. It’s far too easy to disconnect from each other and find a false sense of connection through our phones, screens and an evening or weekend media binge.  We live in a world longing to connect but forgetting how to do it well. Here are some tips to foster connection in your relationship.

·      Take time to connect in the morning

This might be asking a lot for those who are not naturally morning people. Pausing, looking each other in the eye, or snuggling up close and greeting the other person into the day goes a long way to building a connection.

·      Find a way to let your partner know they’re on your mind

Our days can be burdensome and busy. A positive of having a phone is we can send a quick text, forward an article, video or song that made you think of your spouse.

·      Take a deep breath before you walk in the door

At the other end of the day, an evening routine can often go sour when we come home with the day’s burdens on our shoulders. These can easily get put on our partner when we see them. Take a minute to take inventory of your inner world so you can be present when you arrive.

·      Build a ritual into your day, week, or month that invests in your marriage

It’s challenging to find time if you haven’t planned it. Just like anything else, we build habits by developing rituals and repeating them. Build the habit of caring for your relationship in small ways. Prepare him/her coffee or tea, ask how you can be praying for him or her today, spend a few minutes before bed listening to a podcast and discussing it.

·      Make a Date

With life pressing in, the first thing to suffer is often a regular date night. Making a consistent time, whether it be brunch, coffee, or a nice walk really does nurture your connection. Be active together, go learn something new together and do it regularly.

“Truth Before Change” (Attachment Part 2)

By: Megan Richardson, AMFT

    The last blog post “More Than Just Skinned Knees…” talked about attachment.  This is actually a pretty foundational theory for the therapists here at SDICF.  It was developed by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist who attended medical school AND did psychiatric training which included seven years of psychoanalysis...so the guy knew his stuff. This development led to some of the following concepts and is a basic tenet of the approach to therapy called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, which is the primary theory that our therapists at SDICF use in their work with couples.

      The theory proposes that we develop our attachment style early in childhood as a result of our relationships with our primary caregivers, whoever those people were for us.  This is often our moms and dads. When primary caregivers are abusive, when they leave, or even when they are just emotionally unavailable, they can leave us with huge wounds, or raw spots, and with an insecure attachment that can play into all of our significant relationships moving forward.  Attachment theory conceptualizes four different styles of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Though some of us might have seasons where we operate out of all four of them, we all typically have a “global attachment style,” meaning one that we mostly operate out of even when we are in more of a resting state, or not during a perceived crisis of some kind.

    So why do we care about attachment and why does it matter what happened with my parents as a kid?

Well, it matters because it could be one of THE MAIN THINGS that affects all of your adult relationships, but particularly your relationship with your significant other. The goal is to have SECURE attachment because of the following…

1. When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support AND better at giving it.

2. When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they will inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.

3. Secure connection to a loved one is empowering.

4. The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be.

So maybe you do a bit more reflection or self-work and are a little freaked out because your attachment style does not fall into the secure category…do not be afraid of this.  The amazingly good news is that our attachment styles CAN CHANGE. Just as humans can inflict some of the most painful wounds, humans can also be the greatest agents of healing in our lives.  For now, it takes courage and boldness to face the truth about our past hurts, raw spots, and wounds. We have to recognize these truths and face their reality before we can take the steps to change, so take heart because there is always hope.  And please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

"More Than Just Skinned Knees" (Attachment Part 1)

By: Megan Richardson, AMFT

We all probably have at least a few memories of getting skinned knees as a kid: playing in the street with neighborhood friends, falling off of the monkey bars, climbing trees, or flipping over the handlebars (yikes)…anyone with me? But we also most likely have some deeper, sometimes hidden wounds from our childhood. These ones don’t leave visible scars but they continue to bleed into our adult lives from time to time.

      Do you find that you and your partner have the same fight over and over again? When you’re honest, do you ever overreact to something that the other says because you are just positive that they meant to devastate you by it? Or could it be that there are older pains, scars from childhood or adolescence, that squeeze their way into our fights and our relationships? The truth is, we all have some raw spots stemming from past wounds. The masks we sometimes wear around others or post on social media may make everyone believe otherwise, but we really do hurt each other.

    I’m talking about attachment...and the gist of it is that our early childhood experiences, especially with our primary caregivers (often mom and dad), significantly shape our “attachment style,” and our personal attachment style significantly informs how we operate in just about all of our future close relationships.

We all have some version of wounding, or past baggage if you prefer that language. Even our partners can cause us some attachment injuries. However, the beautiful hope is that similar to our skinned knees from childhood, these wounds can also be healed through healthy and attentive relationships. We can be healers and the primary empowerers for each other. When we are available, responsive, and engaged with each other, we become the safest space and the safest people. Those raw spots from our past and our present relationships get exposed, but then can start to mend, even when it might feel painful or slow. It is worth it and it matters.  The therapists at SDICF want to help you and your partner along on that journey. Please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being.  We can not escape that it is a core part of our nature to need other people - to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.