By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)
According to John Gottman’s research, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. We call this having a richly detailed Love Map. A Love Map is simply knowing all the important, and even not so important, information about your partner’s life. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. Having a Love Map and all the information you learn about your partner builds a richness between you and thus intimacy.
In addition to the closeness Love Maps build, couples who have detailed Maps about their partner’s world are usually better prepared to deal with life stressors and the conflict they face. Gottman states, “Partners who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other are feeling and thinking aren’t as thrown off course by changes and stress in each other’s lives. But if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your relationship to lose its way when your lives shift with the challenges and stressors that come to you over time.” Without being intimately familiar with your partner, stress and conflict can polarize you where you fall into a negative dance that disconnects you vs. holds you together. This is why Love Maps are foundational to a good relationship.
How do you build Love Maps? Learn about your spouse, ask questions, and understand what you hear. The questions can be so simple but can provide great insight. For example, my husband and I lived in Northern Italy for 4 years. After moving back to the U.S. we moved to San Diego and attended a marital group at our local church. One of the questions from Gottman’s Love Maps was, “What is your favorite cake?” Because we had lived in Italy and loved the cuisine, my husband assumed it would be something extravagant we had eaten abroad. His guess was wrong as it was simply a cake from Costco! My response was surprising but a very fun discovery for both of us. Love Maps are easy - to get you started just answer the following questions, it will not only be fun but actually build some intimacy while you are at it.
Love Map Exercise Questions:
Name my two closest friends.
What was I wearing when we first met?
Name one of my hobbies.
What stresses am I facing right now?
Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.
What is my fondest unrealized dream?
What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?
What is my favorite getaway place?
What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?
What are some of my favorite ways to work out?
Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”
What would I consider my ideal job?
What medical problems do I worry about?
What was my most embarrassing moment?
Name one of my favorite novels/movies.
What is my favorite restaurant?