3 Myths About Forgiveness that Keep You from Actually Forgiving

By Sharon Meins, MA APCC, Associate Professional Clinical Counselor APCC #10828
Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742

The benefits of forgiveness have been well documented. Most people know and have experienced that anger, pain, and resentment do damage to a sense of well-being and balance in the world, so it follows that to forgive leads to more of what we all want, greater freedom and peace. However, if you have been deeply wounded by another person, you know it is no small feat to go about this process in such a way that you experience healing at a deep level. In this post, I will provide three examples of myths surrounding forgiveness, and why they are damaging. I also hope to provide you with examples of what forgiveness really is so that you can capture what it might be like to experience the relief of truly letting go.

Why is Forgiveness Important?

I want you to know that while the idea of forgiveness is pretty straightforward, it is anything but a straightforward process. And I want to emphasize the word process. As a therapist who is a Christian, I work with many Christian clients who have been harmed by others and who have been pressured by well-meaning people to forgive. This pressure then results in feelings of guilt and shame for lingering anger and pain, which becomes another wave of pain to wade through. My belief is that forgiveness is the result of a process of letting go, and it cannot be rushed or demanded. Forgiveness is both a choice and an experience. Lasting forgiveness that sticks is the result of processing your pain and letting go.

3 Myths About Forgiveness that Keep You from Actually Forgiving

Forgiveness Means Forgetting

If this were true, the only people who could forgive would be amnesiacs and those suffering from late-stage dementia. If you have been deeply hurt, you know the impossibility of forgetting what happened to you. You may have been working on letting go of the pain for years, yet the images of what happened remain. Our bodies have a way of holding onto the memories of painful traumas as a way of saying, “Deal with this! Don’t forget! I need help!” In other words, the reason you have not forgotten but vividly remember is not because you are an unforgiving person, but because your body and mind have felt the effects of being overwhelmed by painful emotions. These won’t go away by pushing them out of your mind, but will only grow over time. Forgiveness means remembering, not necessarily by rehashing the painful details, but by processing the painful emotions with the help of an accepting other.

Forgiveness Means Reconciliation

There are times when the result of forgiveness does mean a relationship can be restored, and perhaps be made even stronger than before the original offense. When that happens, both parties can talk about what happened, recognize the pain of it, and understand that what happened can never and will never happen again. There are other times when you, as an offended party, would be unwise to reconcile with the person who harmed you. These are instances where you can still work through your pain to release it, but you know putting yourself back into a relationship with the person who hurt you would more than likely result in more hurt. If you have been in a relationship where there is a consistent pattern of harm that has been addressed and you have seen little to no effort in repairing the injury, you may be wondering if it is safe for you to remain in that relationship. Forgiveness is still possible, but reconciliation may not be wise.

Forgiveness Means Excusing

While it is true that people often act out as a result of pain, it in no way excuses the behavior. The harm done was real and impactful. When the motivations for a person’s harmful behavior are given defensively or as a way of trying to mitigate the hurt (“If I can just get you to understand me then you will not need me to understand you ”) it almost always lands as an excuse. In an injury repair process, understanding underlying motivations is important, but it doesn’t happen until after the offended party feels seen, heard, and understood in their pain by the offending party. It is at this point that the offended party wants to understand how the injury could have happened so that both parties know it will never happen again. When you feel understood in your deepest pain, your heart begins to feel freer and more curious about what could have led the offending party to act out in the way they did, not as an excuse, but for the sake of making sense of the parts that never made sense before, and for healing.

One of the hardest things in human relationships is being able to restore and repair when things go wrong. This is hard enough with the day-to-day hurts, but when there is a relationship injury it can sometimes feel impossible. When restoration is the goal, forgiveness is a key component that can be achieved through a process that is sometimes painful and varies in length. Facing the very deep hurt you have experienced and processing it with the help of a professional trained in relationships and trauma, you may be able to experience the freedom and peace of forgiveness from deep within.

Please reach out to me to see how I might help you with your process.

Blog Topics

3 Myths about Forgiveness that Keep You from Actually Forgiving

6 Keys for Grieving Towards Wholeness

10 Myths about Emotion and Marriage

A Relationship with Shared Meaning

Are Married People Happier?

Attachment Explained

Being Intentional in Your Marriage

Black Women!! We Have Gone Through So Much

Common Mistakes when Communicating

Could Spiritual Direction Be for You?

Do You Have a Love Map in Your Relationship?

Example of Healing Childhood Trauma through Therapy

Finding Comfort During Tragedy

Flaws, Fondness and Admiration

Getting Through Difficult/Traumatic Times in Your Life

Good, Giving, Game GGG

Habits that Connect Couples

Help for Those Who Have Suffered Childhood Sexual Abuse

How to Balance Raising Children and Keeping Your Marriage Alive

Marriage and Money

Men! Let Your Partner Influence You

New Year’s Resolutions for Your Relationship

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

What is Post-Traumatic Stress?

When Change is Unwelcome

Why Good Marriage Therapy?

Common Mistakes when Communicating

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

When we are stressed, overwhelmed, or not in a good space to have possibly a serious conversation with our spouse we can make many mistakes.  Here are a few and how to repair them. 

First, when stressed we can lose control of our tone which might send a negative message that could offend our spouse. Our tone is important, we have all heard it's not what we say but how we say it. Secondly, our listening skills can deteriorate. Good communication is not just about talking but also about listening...not only to our partner but to what is going on within us. When we are stressed we can miss important cues that we need to pay attention to like take some time to calm down first. Third, our capacity for empathy diminishes. Empathy is one of 3 things that we need to help give our partner a felt sense we get what they are going through. The 3 things that are so important are Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Emotional Engagement or Empathy (ARE). Can I come to you when I am in distress, will you respond to me, and will you have empathy for what I am going through? Healthy couples do these 3 things that help them feel secure with each other. Lastly, we can jump to conclusions. A bad mood can affect how we interpret the words and actions of our partner. When your mind feels cluttered and overstimulated, instead of listening and seeing the whole picture, you might jump to conclusions and make assumptions or judgments about your spouse’s intentions which will result in conflict. 

How do you avoid these mistakes? When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it’s normal to feel like you’re not at your best.  Realistically, no one is perfect. We’re going to get caught up in emotion from time to time and our communication skills might suffer as a result. Having the self-awareness to know when that is happening and being able to communicate that to your spouse can often go a long way in preventing the interaction from taking a negative turn. That might sound like, “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m feeling very stressed about work and I'm not in a great mindset to talk. Let me calm down for a few minutes and I’ll come find you to talk.” This not only lets your partner know that you’re not angry with them, but it also allows them to support you – especially if you can tell them what you need, whether it’s a hug or some alone time. Ruptures happen in a nanosecond and it is the repair of them that makes a difference. 

Good, Giving, Game (GGG)

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

GGG is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to represent the qualities that he thinks make a good sexual partner. GGG stands for "good, giving, and game." Think "good in bed," "giving of equal time and equal pleasure," and "game for anything—within reason." We think Dan Savage may be right—there are benefits to being GGG. The motivation to meet a partner’s sexual needs are not only good for the partner but can be good for us and can help keep the spark alive in long-term relationships. If you struggle in this area, we can help.

Finding Comfort During Tragedy

From Kendall Stewart, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #124997, Supervised by Donna Scott, LMFT #30175 Employed by SDICF (kstewart@sdicouples.com)

Hi Community,

Sending you each thoughts of comfort during these continued scary times. I wanted reach out and provide some tips for you all as you support the kids in your life. Often times when tragic events happen it feels so overwhelming as we want to not only support our children as they navigate growing up, we are also trying to keep them safe. With the most recent tragedy in Texas, New York, and California we are once again reminded of how hard we must work for that safety. Here are a few reminders and tips on how to support your kids in hopes that this information can bring a touch of ease in this difficult time. 

• Take care of yourself. You might be feeling anxious and scared. Those feelings are normal. Kids spend a lot of time with their caregivers and can sense when emotions are running high. Help them by helping yourself. Journal, cry, talk, find movement, give yourself what you need to process what is happening.

• Limit your media intake. What happened does not make sense. Often when tragedy strikes we try to take in as much information as we can to make sense of the event in hopes of finding ways to prevent it in the future. So, watching the news over and over to gather all possible information is a common reaction. But is it helpful? Is it leaving you feeling more anxious? Maybe it is time to limit how much of the news you’re watching. Or set boundaries around the conversations you are having regarding tragic events.

• Provide extra comfort. Your kids could be scared and sensing something isn’t the same. You may find that they need more reassurance and physical comfort. You may find they are having difficulty with things they have mastered. They might be a bit more irritable. This is their way of communicating that they need you for more comfort, love, and support.

• Use age appropriate language. From preschoolers to teens they might come to you with a lot of questions. It is important your answer them honestly and age appropriately. Remember kids are curious because they are learning about life. Unfortunately, this is a part of life. They understand and hear more then we sometimes expect. Prepare yourself to ask what they are feeling and to answer any questions that might pop up.

• Worry is normal. It is a natural response to want to protect our children from any difficult feelings and worry is absolutely on that list. However, worry is not something we can avoid. Helping them manage and work through their worries is something you can support.

• Be realistic. Don’t say these things will never happen again. Instead you can say something that lets them know that you and the adults in their life are doing all they can to keep them safe. In an age appropriate way tell them the ways you all are doing that.

• Night time might be a little tougher. The evening is usually when we begin to process the day. So, keep in mind your kids’ worries may elevate more around bedtime. Listen and comfort. Be ready for a bit of bed time push back.

• Find ways for your kids to express themselves. Maybe it is through story telling dancing, drawing, playing with toys, or anything else they might find expressive.

• Teens may need different ways to express themselves. A lot of times teens have a difficult time talking to their parents. Make sure you let them know you are there for them when they are ready to talk. Also, provide other ideas of people they can talk to (friends, family, school counselors, therapists, mentors, and other folks in their support systems.)

• As you are monitoring your media intake it is extremely important you monitor yours kids as well.

• Keep in mind if your kids already struggles with difficult emotions be proactive in thinking of ways to get them extra support.

Again, these are difficult times and not only are you managing your own emotions you are also holding space and finding ways to support the young people in your life. This is not an easy task. Reach out for support when you or your the kid/kids you support need it. 

In Community,

Kendall Stewart, AMFT

A Relationship with Shared Meaning

From Kendall Stewart, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #124997, Supervised by Donna Scott, LMFT #30175 Employed by SDICF (kstewart@sdicouples.com)

We often hear how important it is “not to lose yourself” when we are in relationships. While to some extent that is true, it is also important to understand what researcher John Gottman calls “create shared meaning” with your partner.  Having shared meaning is almost like developing a self-contained culture for you and your partner. Creating a life together that combines each person’s beliefs, values, roles, and traditions (new and old). Creating shared meaning doesn’t mean that partners are always in agreeance with each other. Or, that they have the exact same goals and interests. Having share meaning is actually more about respecting and lifting up your partners dreams and beliefs even if you don’t find yourself as equally passionate about those dreams.  But, what does that mean? How is that done while still maintaining your own identity and authenticity?

So, how can partners begin to create shared meaning? Let’s take a look at what Gottman calls the “Four Pillars” of shared meaning.

Pillar One: Rituals of Connection

               A ritual is a recurring event that you and your partner like doing. Something that shines a light on and supports your togetherness. Sometimes these rituals are past family traditions. Or, something we create on our own like traditions we wish we had grown up with or something completely new. For example, maybe you grew up making family dinner together every Monday night and that is something you want to continue to do with your children and partner. Maybe making dinner is something you wish you did with your family growing up so you’re intentional about creating that ritual for your family now. Even date nights once a month or special celebrations are ways people develop those rituals of connection. Something to remember is that rituals is are intentional. These are things we can depend on engaging in consistently on a weekly, monthly, or maybe yearly basis.

·        What are some rituals you and your partner or family currently have?

·        What are some rituals you would like to create?

Pillar Two: Support for Each Other’s Roles

               We come into relationships with an expectation of the role our partner and ourselves will hold. The more we understand these expectations the greater the chance is for harmony. When we talk about roles we don’t necessarily mean who takes out the trash or washes the dishes. What we are speaking to are the more layered expectations you and your partner have. Roles such as the protector, the provider, the disciplinarian for the children, and even how you interact with other family members. It is about looking at the values each partner holds in regards to the romantic relationship, work, and other influential meaningful pieces of life.

·        Take a moment to think about what you see your role as.

·        Now, take a moment to think about what your expectations you see your partner’s role as.

Pillar Three: Shared Goals

               When we talk about the goals the conversation usually begins with career and financial aspirations. It takes a certain level of intimacy to share those deeper goals. These are goals that lead to healing; goals that lead us to a sense of personal peace. Maybe the goal is addressing some areas of healing and growth with past trauma, or finishing a project that will lead some personal development. Sharing these goals with your partner can increase intimacy in your relationship and the extent in which you both work in partnership to reach those goals. Which can lead to a more enriching partnership.

·        What are some of your goals?

·        Have you shared these goals with your partner?

·        How can each of you support each other in reaching these goals?

Pillar Four: Shared Values and Symbols

               Share values and beliefs are what determine the perspectives and guide the decisions of a partnership. The representation of these values and beliefs may appear in their lives as actual objects or intangibles. For example, a Christian couple may have a cross or a bible in the house that represents their spiritual beliefs. They may also have a picture of their entire family on the wall to represent their belief of family sticking together and supporting each other. Another symbol might be a family story/heirloom that shares the sentiment around valuing resiliency and hard work.

·        What are some values and beliefs you and your partner have?

·        Are there any symbols or stories that represent these values and beliefs?

Creating shared meaning won’t completely rid a relationship of conflict. However, having these understandings of the culture between you and your partner can help provide clarity and make your journey as partners smoother as you agree and create more transparency around the fundamentals of your lives. Need more support discovering and creating shared meaning? We are here and would love to support you during your exploration.

New Year's Resolutions for Your Relationship

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

Have you made New Year's resolutions for 2022? A lot of us make resolutions for ourselves but what about our relationships? Being intentional regarding good habits for ourselves and our relationships is a good practice to have.

Here are three habits to develop that could bring success to your relationships:

(1) Be intentional about spending time with one another each week. This includes eating meals together, working out together, and spending quality time together. When my son was growing up, every Thursday we had a "meatball madness" dinner and watched the popular TV show Survivor, we called it a date night. This time spent,whether with our spouse, kids, or as a family, helps us to connect and recalibrate together.

(2) Be active. Doing activities together, connects us, keeps us on track with working out and makes it easier to do. I remember when one of my kids was grumpy I would ask to go on a walk together, all of a sudden she became happier and more communicative. My husband and I considered working out together as a date, even if it was early morning. I will always show up when someone else is planning to go work out with me and I end up feeling energized and a great feeling to do it together.

(3) Spend time getting to know each other better. One good tool is the Gottman Card Decks which is a free app for your phones. Do a half or full deck of questions each week and learn things about your spouse that you might not have ever known. This would be a great way to create rituals of connection, experience shared meaning, and have fun at the same time.

Establishing healthy habits is not always easy to do on our own and we can lose motivation. Committing to doing these habits together will not only bring you a renewal of connection, but will give you support and keep you on track with staying active.

Example of Healing Childhood Trauma through Therapy

By Marlee Cornue, Marlee Cornue, M.S., Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, APCC# 9000, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (mcornue@sdicouples.com)

There is a fairly famous book in the world of psychology titled “The Body Keeps Score” by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. In his book, Van der Klok explains how traumatic memories are held in our bodies.  As a way of protecting us, our bodies may lock up traumatic memories for years and years. As your body relaxes or is triggered, memories can be unlocked without warning. This is the reason many soldiers fund themselves having dreams of being in combat (as their body relaxes for sleep). Or parents begin to remember challenging memories of their own childhood when they have their own children. These intrusive memories are the mind's way of working through and making sense of what happened to us. 

Trauma and grief are always complicated. For this reason, it can be incredibly scary to face the past but you will be surprised as to what happens to you when you do. When traumatic memories come to you, it is your body's way of asking you to please organize and make sense of the memory. When you repress this, your body and mind will continue to ask. 

The great news is that by working through the trauma you give your mind and body the gift of being reorganized and filing away the trauma. This doesn't take away your memory of it, but it takes away the emotional charge the memory once had. 

“BLACK WOMEN!! We have gone through so much

By Kendall Stewart, M.A., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, LMFT #147143

BLACK WOMEN!! We have gone through so much. And yes we are magic but we are not invincible. Come find some tools and moments of healing within community. For more information about joining this space send me an email so I can send details and schedule a time for us to chat.

How to balance raising children and keeping your marriage alive

By Marlee Cornue, M.S., Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, APCC# 9000, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (mcornue@sdicouples.com)

Marriages go through many different stages. When you say “I do” it's impossible to know what the future holds for your new family, and when couples become parents they often find new marital challenges. Children require a great deal of their parents' emotional and physical energy. If you find yourself having less energy for yourself and your partner, here are some ways to be intentional about your marriage that don’t require more than you can give. 

1- Make time to have fun- Be intentional about putting phones away and tell your spouse something funny that happened to you that day. Try and be playful together, it resets your brain to be in a better space. 

2- Tell your partner what you appreciate about them- Words go a long way, especially when you're overextended. Make it a point to notice something your spouse is doing well everyday and tell them. 

3- Touch your partner- Hugs and kisses when you come home from work can help to reconnect you after a long day. Be mindful of coming in the door and only hugging your children or going right to your to do list. Affection is key to a healthy marriage. 

4- Notice that special thing you do that makes your partner happy- Reflect on what's going well in your marriage and do more of that! Trust your instincts as you know yourself better than anyone else. 

And finally, seek help if you feel like you would benefit from it. I so wish that wedding registries came with a counseling fund option, because getting in a good cycle and understanding your partner and yourself from the beginning is the best thing you can do for your marriage. What better gift to give a family than two healthy, happy communicating adults? 

Attachment Explained

By Marlee Cornue, M.S., Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, APCC# 9000, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (mcornue@sdicouples.com)

In psychology, the word “attachment” is used a lot. Attachment Theory originated in 1958 when John Bowlby began researching infants’ attachment to their parents, and the stages of the infant/ parent attachment. Sue Johnson (founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy) expanded attachment theory to include how we as individuals attach to those around us from the cradle to the grave. 

So why may it be important to understand and explore your early attachment? The research tells us that by knowing how secure you felt as a child, you will be able to better understand how secure you feel in your adult relationships. Simply put, if you find yourself in similar patterns of attachment in adult relationships, and you  want to make a change, exploring your early attachment may be a way to grow and heal. 

Therapists will work to help you fill in the gaps and understand how early experiences may have shaped you. This is important because attachment wounds can be healed through healthy adult relationships, they can also be reinforced if you end up in a similar cycle over and over. The more you understand about yourself the more power you have to make changes. 

Marriage and Money

By Marc Sherman, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #116508, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (msherman@sdicouples.com)

Money is one of the largest issues in a marriage. Couples will constantly argue over money and the household finances. There is usually a spender and one who is the saver in the relationship. In most marriages, one spouse often makes more money than the other. Often times there is only one breadwinner and the other spouse is the homemaker, cannot work due to a disability or tends to the children and/or extended family members.

The key to having a successful marriage with money is having successful communication around money. Couples must have the ability to be able to talk and clearly communicate thoughts, ideas and habits around money. Couples must be aligned on how the money will be spent, invested, saved, divvied out, etc. The money mindset in a marriage should be that it is “our’ money not “my” money. When a couple can realize and understand that whatever money comes into the household is for the benefit of the family is when growth happens. There should never be “my money” or “your money” in the context of a healthy, successful relationship.

Some couples have one account and others have a “his” account, a “her” account and a “joint” account. Every couple has different ways of handling money and that is okay. It is the clear, thoughtful and respectful communication around money which leads to a peaceful existence among couples. Setting clear boundaries and expectations around finances is extremely important when deciding on those large purchases and vacations as well as everyday expenses. When it comes to finances within a marriage everything should be discussed no matter how large or small the amount to ensure long-lasting harmony, love and partnership.

Men! Let Your Partner Influence You

By Marc Sherman, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #116508, Employed by SDICF and Supervised by Mary Cipriani, LMFT #32742 (msherman@sdicouples.com)

Why do we always want to be right in a relationship? Why do we believe that we can handle issues on our own? In a marriage, effective communication is the foundation and a key success indicator. Men, we need to accept and respect our partner’s ideas, influences and contributions. According to relationship expert, John Gottman, “When a husband accepts his wife’s influence, he also strengthens their friendship.”

Of course, in a successful marriage or relationship, both parties have to “want” the best for each other. Both parties must learn to compromise, out-service each other and be willing to listen with love and understanding. Marriage should be viewed as a team and together striving and working towards reaching established common goals and dreams. According to Gottman, when men are open to the influence of their wives, “the women are less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching difficult marriage topics.” The odds of a successful marriage are increased when influence is accepted.

Our goal as men should be to improve our EQ (Emotional Quotient) not IQ when it comes to our partner. Being emotionally intelligent, present and available allows us to be open to our partner’s influence. Our EQ improves when we honor and respect our partner’s and are able to connect with them emotionally. Per Gottman “the emotionally intelligent husband is able to honor his wife and convey his respect for her.” Accepting your partner’s influence does not make you weak or a pushover, it truly only strengthens your marriage and relationship and yields greater success and satisfaction.

Do you have a Love Map in your relationship?

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

According to John Gottman’s research, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. We call this having a richly detailed Love Map. A Love Map is simply knowing all the important, and even not so important, information about your partner’s life. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. Having a Love Map and all the information you learn about your partner builds a richness between you and thus intimacy.

In addition to the closeness Love Maps build, couples who have detailed Maps about their partner’s world are usually better prepared to deal with life stressors and the conflict they face. Gottman states, “Partners who are already in the habit of keeping up to date and are intently aware of what each other are feeling and thinking aren’t as thrown off course by changes and stress in each other’s lives. But if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your relationship to lose its way when your lives shift with the challenges and stressors that come to you over time.” Without being intimately familiar with your partner, stress and conflict can polarize you where you fall into a negative dance that disconnects you vs. holds you together. This is why Love Maps are foundational to a good relationship.

How do you build Love Maps? Learn about your spouse, ask questions, and understand what you hear. The questions can be so simple but can provide great insight. For example, my husband and I lived in Northern Italy for 4 years. After moving back to the U.S. we moved to San Diego and attended a marital group at our local church. One of the questions from Gottman’s Love Maps was, “What is your favorite cake?” Because we had lived in Italy and loved the cuisine, my husband assumed it would be something extravagant we had eaten abroad. His guess was wrong as it was simply a cake from Costco! My response was surprising but a very fun discovery for both of us. Love Maps are easy - to get you started just answer the following questions, it will not only be fun but actually build some intimacy while you are at it.

Love Map Exercise Questions:

• Name my two closest friends.

• What was I wearing when we first met?

• Name one of my hobbies.

• What stresses am I facing right now?

• Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.

• What is my fondest unrealized dream?

• What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?

• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

• What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

• What is my favorite getaway place?

• What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

• What are some of my favorite ways to work out?

• Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”

• What would I consider my ideal job?

• What medical problems do I worry about?

• What was my most embarrassing moment?

• Name one of my favorite novels/movies.

• What is my favorite restaurant?

Your first time in therapy? Here’s what you can expect.

By Courtney Grove, MA, Associate MFT (cgrove@sdicouples.com)

You’ve done the hard work of finding, researching, and maybe interviewing therapists to find the best fit for you or your relationship. What happens now?

At the beginning of the first session, the therapist will start by reviewing the “informed consent form.” We want you to understand the therapy process and this will cover the costs, cancellation policies, confidentiality, and other information to ensure that you know what to expect as you begin your counseling sessions. To save time, we will email our forms to you so you may complete them ahead of your first session. The forms will then be sent back to your therapist who will have time to review your information so they may come to your first session ready and prepared to help you. 

 After this, the therapist may ask a variation of the question, “What is happening and why now?” We are trying to understand what brought you to therapy, and what made you choose to come at this particular point in time. We will also ask questions about your current life situation and if applicable, your relationships. This information helps the therapist to assess your needs, both to ensure that they will be a good fit for you and to better understand who you are and what you need. Other questions you can expect us to ask are your personal history, the family you grew up in, and who you were close to when you were growing up.  The questions we ask play an important role in who you are and how you interact with the people in your adult life. Finally, we want to hear what your goals are for your therapy, and what you may have tried in the past to meet your goals. We care about you and your ultimate healing and success thus your therapist is always open to questions you might have at any given point in your therapy but especially at the beginning. 

Success in therapy is mainly based on your participation, willingness, and honesty. If for whatever reason you’re afraid that you won’t be able to be clear, it can help to write down what you’re struggling with prior to your sessions. Please know that the first session won’t bring automatic healing. Therapy is a process, and not a quick fix, although we do try to work as quickly as possible to help you resolve your issues.  The process of therapy requires vulnerability, trust, honesty, and consistency. Therapy may require coming back even when it hurts, or even when you start to feel a little better.  

 We look forward to meeting you and starting the process of working together to create the life that you’re happy to be living. It starts with your brave decision to reach out! At SDICF, we know how to help. 

Pornography Addiction: An Insidious Affliction – What is Porn Addiction?

By,  Kyle Ferlic, MA. Excerpts from this post are from a colleague, we are CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) candidates and trained to help addicts and their betrayed partners. You may reach Kyle at https://www.familytransformation.com/.

Some Stats:

“According to a 2018 Gallup poll, more Americans than ever (at 43% of those surveyed) said that pornography was morally acceptable to them. As stated by PornHub, a global pornographic streaming company, in their 2018 Year in Review report, there are approximately 64,000 people worldwide logging on to view pornography every minute. Although it can be difficult to understand how many users might be addicted, one Australian study showed that of 20,000 people, 1.2 percent of women and 4.4 percent of men rated themselves as pornography addicts. Pornography and sex can be highly addictive like any behavior or substance, especially for the lonely or traumatized individual.” We call it the 3 A’s, it is affordable, accessible, and anonymous. Because of the 3 A’s, we are seeing younger individuals struggling with porn.

Porn Addiction Defined:

The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). IITAP notes that pornography addictions occur when at least three of the following 10 criteria are met for any one person:

• Recurrent failure to resist impulses to engage in using pornography;

• Frequent engaging in the use of pornography to a greater extent;

• Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control pornography use;

• An inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining pornography, being sexual with pornography, or recovering from pornography experiences;

• Preoccupation with pornography or preparatory activities leading to pornography use;

• Frequent engaging in pornography when someone is expected to fulfill other obligations (such as occupational, domestic, or social);

• Continuation of pornography use despite knowledge of having persistent and recurring social, financial, psychological, or physical problems caused or amplified by pornography;

• A need to increase the frequency or risk-level of pornography watched to achieve the desired effect, or experiencing a diminishing effect with the same level of intensity of pornography use;

• Giving up or limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities because of pornography use;

• And distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if one is unable to engage in using pornography.

An Insidious Affliction:

Given the criteria above, a person is generally struggling with pornography addiction (PA) if he or she experiences a loss of control over his or her behavior, impairment in multiple areas of his or her life, and an increased amount of risk in the type of porn he or she watches over time. Just like with other addictions, an individual with PA probably does not realize the pornography usage is problematic until it has already become his or her brain’s new neurochemical normal. In other words, the “high” received from pornography due to its nature as a super-stimulus shifts the brain to crave it above all else. Today’s pornography in its high-definition state, paired with its anonymity, accessibility, and affordability through online viewing, releases the same neurochemicals in similar amounts (or more) as drugs like amphetamine or heroin. An individual struggling with PA eventually become tolerant of dopamine levels, requiring him to seek more pornography or riskier types of pornography to be appeased. He may not realize it yet, but when PA exists, the addicted individual is likely in tremendous denial and lying to himself (and others) regularly with self-talk like: “I can stop anytime I want,” and “I am not hurting anyone.”

General Impacts:

The insidiousness of addiction, whether it be with pornography or any other behavior or substance, is that it never impacts an addicted individual alone. When I was in graduate school, I remember hearing that, on average, every addicted person causes increased negative stress on four to five other loved ones. According to a journal on clinical medicine, negative associations exist between pornography addiction and erectile dysfunction, sexual dissatisfaction, body-image dissatisfaction, increased sexual performance pressure, less actual sex, anxiety disorders, mood disorders, substance abuse, and even problematic video game use. Pornography addiction hurts the addicted individual, his or her significant other, any children involved, and it often extends to friends and family within the person’s social system due to deception and relational trauma.

Conclusion:

In this article, Kyle introduced the clinical diagnostic criteria and the general impacts of pornography addiction. Even though our understanding of PA is in its infancy, and there is a healthy amount of debate on its definition and influence…PA is regularly bringing clients into the offices of counselors like ourselves.

If you are struggling, or know someone who is, or if you are a betrayed partner, we, at San Diego Institute for Couples and Families, would like to help you. We currently have 3 therapists on staff that are working with these issues for both the addict and partners. Currently, Kyle Ferlic is working in North Carolina and you may reach him at info@familytransformation.com.

What is Post Traumatic Stress?

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

Post-Traumatic Stress can be caused by an acute stressor or a life-threatening event. Events such as partner betrayal, racism, crimes, ridicule at work or school, are some examples that may cause PTS. The effects of post-traumatic stress can make you feel powerless, scared, can change your mood, make you feel isolated and alone. You may experience flashbacks, nightmares reliving the experience, trouble sleeping, have angry outbursts, apathy towards events that used to interest you and feel people around you don’t understand. Although most experience the symptoms up to 3 months after the traumatic experience, others can experience the symptoms longer.

 PTSD Facts:

·       More than 8 million Americans between the age of 18 and older have PTSD.

·       3.6% of the US Adult population experienced post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in the past year as reported by the National Institute of Mental Health.

·       67 percent of people exposed to mass violence have been shown to develop PTSD, a higher rate than those exposed to natural disasters or other types of traumatic events.

·       People who have experienced previous traumatic events run a higher risk of developing PTSD.

·       PTSD can also affect children and members of the military.

 The good news is you don’t have to go through this alone. There are professionals who can help you and many who have sought help have for their symptoms have had great success. If you believe you are suffering from PTS please reach out to us, we are here to help you.

Resources:

• https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment

• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK56506/

• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/

Being Intentional in Your Marriage

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

What is an intentional marriage? An intentional marriage is one where the spouses are conscious, and deliberately decide to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. The emphasis here is on building into their relationship intentional rituals for connection. Think of it as creating a mindful marriage. If we are not intentional, we can become a couple on automatic pilot - with our crammed schedules, endless tasks always to finish, kids to care for, and ever-present television, media, and smartphones, these things will steer our direction. All of this activity creates less focus on our relationships over time, and therefore less connection, less spark, and less intimacy.

Let’s look at just one distraction, the smartphone. A recent study found that the average iPhone user touches his or her phone 2,617 times a day, whereas millennials are two times that. Software designers are intentionally designing smartphones for distraction and addiction because that is where the money is. (Comer, John Mark. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry (p. 36). The Crown Publishing Group) Surrounded by objects designed for distraction has made being intentional in our marriages even more important.

 I believe being married is like swimming in the ocean. You are either going to be pulled where the current happens to take you, or you are going to swim in the direction you decide to swim. To grow closer over the years, you have to be mindful and intentional, otherwise you may find yourself adrift. Research shows it is not easy to keep a marital connection; it has shown there is a loss of intensity that occurs from daily living over many months and years, even while sleeping beside the same person every night.

After we have children, the current gets swift, more like a riptide. With a new baby, our priority is naturally the care of our child. When we come up for air, our second priority usually is self-care. We tend to trade off childcare so that we can get some individual downtime and we end up borrowing from our marriages, not just for a short but sometimes a long time. I know in my own marriage we would switch caring for our children with working, so our time together began to dwindle greatly. We care about being good parents and because we barely knew what we are doing initially, we placed a priority on developing good parent-child skills and rituals but again, due to lack of time and energy, we can lose our marital rituals.

What are good marital rituals? Rituals are interactions that are "repeated, coordinated, and significant," according to Dr. William Doherty, a relationship expert. Rituals can be something a couple does every day or once a week, month, or year. Rituals carry a positive emotional meaning for both people in the marriage. The emotional significance of the ritual distinguishes a ritual from a routine. Routines are done over and over but don't have much emotional meaning. Rituals are about having a connection. Almost anything can be turned into a ritual of connection if the focus is on the relationship and if it becomes a time for connection.

Doherty divides rituals into 3 categories: “connection, intimacy, and community.” An example of a connection ritual would be saying, "I love you" before leaving in the morning and upon returning home. Another example is going out to a cafe every Saturday morning or exercising together. Intimacy rituals could be patterns a couple develops in their sexual intimacy, or yearly dates for anniversaries or Valentine's Day. Lastly, community rituals are those where a couple participates in giving and receiving support in their larger community like religious activities or joint involvement in a community movement.

One of the standard teachings in our field is that couples need time to talk together every day. A married couple with children, who has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-problem-solving talk every day, is in the top two percent of all married couples. You're not going to have time for personal talk, especially if you have children, unless you ritualize it.  I have even seen couples who don't have children, who still need to arrange a time to talk together.

In conclusion, being intentional regarding your marriage means creating rituals that are shared activities that you do on a repeated basis (from daily to yearly) that have meaning for you as a couple. They can be small or big, splashy or simple, as long as they are a regular part of your couple life and the goal is to help you stay connected and keep your relationship healthy. #BeIntentional #CreatedForConnection

Help for Those Who Have Suffered Childhood Sexual Abuse

By Donna Scott, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (dscott@sdicouples.com)

God impressed the need for my upcoming book almost daily as I encounter women who struggle with the trauma of their past childhood sexual abuse. The struggles can be seen in my life, my family, my circle of friends, and in my therapy practice. The damage caused by sexual abuse spans across all cultures, all ages, and all backgrounds as we see evidence splashed across the media. As I wrote the introduction of my book, the #metoo movement was growing in numbers daily. So many women coming forward admitting they were sexually abused. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified regarding her experience with sexual abuse during a Supreme Court nominee hearing. For speaking up, she is supported but also condemned as a liar, ridiculed, and mocked. Larry Nasser, the former employee of Michigan State University and U.S. Gymnastics doctor is in prison serving a 40-175 years sentence for molesting his young patients during two decades.

Over 160 of the 265 victimized women came forward to speak at his sentencing. ( "USA Gymnastics doctor 'abused 265 girls'". BBC News. 2018. Retrieved January 31,2018)  Gymnast Katie Rasmussen said “No one did anything because no one believed me. They didn't understand how such a respectable doctor would do something like that. And I don't understand how a 14-year-old could make that up.” Physical therapist and former gymnast Marta Stern, saying she originally wanted to remain anonymous “out of fear of how it would affect my life, my loved ones and my career. However, I will no longer let you have control over me. I will not let you win,” she told Nassar. Olympian Jamie Dantzscher looked at Nassar as she said: “Your days of manipulation are over,” she added. “We have a voice. We have the power now.” (https://www.mcall.com/news/breaking/mc-nws-nassar-victims-gymnasts-speak-20180125-story.html)

Do any of these words, thoughts or feelings sound familiar? Can you relate? I know I can. I realize every one of us have a different story to tell. You may not have been abused by your doctor but I’m pretty sure it was by someone you should have been able to trust. A parent, a priest, a teacher, a coach, or like me, your babysitter. Some of you may have tried to tell someone about your abuse but you weren’t believed. You were told perhaps you misunderstood or you made it up or you’re just saying that to try to get someone in trouble. Some of you may have kept silent because you were afraid if people knew what happened to you they would look at you a little different and your life could change for the worse. Many of us want to lock the experience of our abuse in a file, hoping it will never see the light of day ever again. Life goes on, but something triggers the pain. The locked file opens and the trauma caused by the abuse comes roaring to life again. Until we can grab it, and force it back in the file again. In those moments we feel as if we will never healed. Never feel whole. Never truly have control over our lives because the control, along with our innocence, was taken by our perpetrators.

As I have listened to painful story after painful story, I realize there are common threads woven in the painful tapestry of abuse. Those dark threads include difficulty in letting go of the past, feelings of shame, depression, worthlessness, isolation, fear, and discouragement. God desire for us to learn not to let the past abuse define our future. Letting go of the need for self-preservation and trusting others, including God, can seem impossible. I deeply desire to share my story of traveling from victim to victorious. and recognize transformation of the past is possible by giving survivors a better narrative for our lives. In our pain we tend to focus on those dark threads seeing the tangled mess of our lives with little hope for peace. God wants us to change our focus from our perspective to His. You see, God doesn’t just see dark threads when He looks at us. He sees threads of light which include commitment, perseverance, courage, forgiveness, and faith.

Through glimpses of my story of victimization by the hand of my sexual predator, are my coping skills wrapped in isolation, struggling with the guilt and shame and seeking relief in all the wrong places. My desperation lead me to the one person who could help me begin to restore what was broken and tangled in stone, God. God began to help me navigate the blame I believed I deserved, shame, staggering guilt, lost hope, dark depression and vast emptiness I experienced following my abuse.  My new mission is to help others who have been hurt and are still hurting from their past. My book will be out in 2020, but until then I will be in my office waiting to help those who long to escape the tangled mess their abuse has caused them.

Getting Through Difficult/Traumatic Times in Your Life

By Mary Cipriani, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

Most of us have experienced some very difficult and possibly traumatic experiences. A lot of times we keep the experiences inside us under lock and key. When we choose to open up and share our painful experiences, it can transform moments of intense pain into one of connection and healing.

To begin to talk about and share our difficult times, which does not take away our hurt and immediately heal our emotional wounds, gives us a safe space to face and deal with our feelings in a healthy and nontoxic way. When we have the courage to break our emotional silence it can be a turning point in our relationships and gives us a whole new way of coping with our pain. In addition, when we share our stories, with a trusted other, it can connect us in a deep and meaningful way. We know from research that turning to someone we trust can actually increase our own chance of healing. The pain might not go away but in those moments, we realize we are not alone and that others “get it” and are there for us. 

Give yourself time to process your feelings and start talking to someone you trust who is responsive and nonjudgmental to your pain. It is so important to find others we can share our feelings with and to take time to listen to their stories of difficult times as well. We all need help and when we help others it can help us to heal as well.