From Kendall Stewart, M.A., Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT #124997, Supervised by Donna Scott, LMFT #30175 Employed by SDICF (kstewart@sdicouples.com)
We often hear how important it is “not to lose yourself” when we are in relationships. While to some extent that is true, it is also important to understand what researcher John Gottman calls “create shared meaning” with your partner. Having shared meaning is almost like developing a self-contained culture for you and your partner. Creating a life together that combines each person’s beliefs, values, roles, and traditions (new and old). Creating shared meaning doesn’t mean that partners are always in agreeance with each other. Or, that they have the exact same goals and interests. Having share meaning is actually more about respecting and lifting up your partners dreams and beliefs even if you don’t find yourself as equally passionate about those dreams. But, what does that mean? How is that done while still maintaining your own identity and authenticity?
So, how can partners begin to create shared meaning? Let’s take a look at what Gottman calls the “Four Pillars” of shared meaning.
Pillar One: Rituals of Connection
A ritual is a recurring event that you and your partner like doing. Something that shines a light on and supports your togetherness. Sometimes these rituals are past family traditions. Or, something we create on our own like traditions we wish we had grown up with or something completely new. For example, maybe you grew up making family dinner together every Monday night and that is something you want to continue to do with your children and partner. Maybe making dinner is something you wish you did with your family growing up so you’re intentional about creating that ritual for your family now. Even date nights once a month or special celebrations are ways people develop those rituals of connection. Something to remember is that rituals is are intentional. These are things we can depend on engaging in consistently on a weekly, monthly, or maybe yearly basis.
· What are some rituals you and your partner or family currently have?
· What are some rituals you would like to create?
Pillar Two: Support for Each Other’s Roles
We come into relationships with an expectation of the role our partner and ourselves will hold. The more we understand these expectations the greater the chance is for harmony. When we talk about roles we don’t necessarily mean who takes out the trash or washes the dishes. What we are speaking to are the more layered expectations you and your partner have. Roles such as the protector, the provider, the disciplinarian for the children, and even how you interact with other family members. It is about looking at the values each partner holds in regards to the romantic relationship, work, and other influential meaningful pieces of life.
· Take a moment to think about what you see your role as.
· Now, take a moment to think about what your expectations you see your partner’s role as.
Pillar Three: Shared Goals
When we talk about the goals the conversation usually begins with career and financial aspirations. It takes a certain level of intimacy to share those deeper goals. These are goals that lead to healing; goals that lead us to a sense of personal peace. Maybe the goal is addressing some areas of healing and growth with past trauma, or finishing a project that will lead some personal development. Sharing these goals with your partner can increase intimacy in your relationship and the extent in which you both work in partnership to reach those goals. Which can lead to a more enriching partnership.
· What are some of your goals?
· Have you shared these goals with your partner?
· How can each of you support each other in reaching these goals?
Pillar Four: Shared Values and Symbols
Share values and beliefs are what determine the perspectives and guide the decisions of a partnership. The representation of these values and beliefs may appear in their lives as actual objects or intangibles. For example, a Christian couple may have a cross or a bible in the house that represents their spiritual beliefs. They may also have a picture of their entire family on the wall to represent their belief of family sticking together and supporting each other. Another symbol might be a family story/heirloom that shares the sentiment around valuing resiliency and hard work.
· What are some values and beliefs you and your partner have?
· Are there any symbols or stories that represent these values and beliefs?
Creating shared meaning won’t completely rid a relationship of conflict. However, having these understandings of the culture between you and your partner can help provide clarity and make your journey as partners smoother as you agree and create more transparency around the fundamentals of your lives. Need more support discovering and creating shared meaning? We are here and would love to support you during your exploration.